huhumm.. :-/

Here you are

- hurting, waiting, wanting for something to change. You ask yourself about a hundred times, is it something you said? Maybe. And then you ask yourself a thousand more times, is it something you did? Possibly.

But in the end - yes. It’s always your fault, never ever his.

‘Cause you are settling with this mentality - it’s not you, it’s me. And you are willing to swallow your pride, than hurt his ego. And you choose not to break your silence, even though you know you are free to call him out on the bullshit he’s blatantly putting you through. But yet, you can’t find the courage in your heart and the wisdom in every fiber of your mind to simply – walk away. Why?

Here you are – this question must have crossed your mind more than a million times. ‘Cause for the seventh or eighth or maybe even the ninth time, you toss and turn in the middle of the dark night, in a dark silent room, listening to the rhythm of your own breath. You inhale, then exhale. You feel your heartbeat pulsating – in your wrist & on the tip of your fingers. Then the question once again arises in your mind that longs to rest. Why? Why can’t I let go?

Oftentimes we hold on to things that make us the happiest, give us the most bliss, things that makes our heart feel at ease. In contrary, the other times we hold on to things that does not always reciprocate us with something good. Gives us nothing but false hope and a cycle of reoccurring bullshit.

But even though that may be the standpoint, we continue believing one day, some day, somehow our patience, our willingness to endure and our days of hurting, of waiting, of wanting, we wake up to an end for all of those & a beginning of something better, something more.

And when that day comes, walking away and letting go would not once again cross our minds.

self-definition.

don’t be so quick to judge me.
you only see what i choose to show…

silence.amen.

i did not spend the last year trying to recover just to jump back into the same war that bled me dry. i did not gravel through the trenches of toxic burdens to dig deeper into my own coffin. the truths are revealed at such an overwhelming pace and holy shit am i tired. i’m tired of going to bed angry only to wake up livid. i’m tired of harboring so much negativity that it consumes me. i have fought so hard and surrendered so much of myself so when i left, i found the happy me. i knelt and picked up the broken pieces, waking up a year later only to end up with the same mess.

don’t treat me like i’m always second, the “just in case”, the substitution; do you realize how degrading that feels? could you fathom even the most simple concept of respect? i know too much to look at you with blind eyes or listen with absent ears. you came, you conquered, and you left when you were done because i was only the temporary replacement—the false warmth in the void of emptiness. it was all i was, i didn’t need anyone else to tell me that.

i admit, i am also to blame. i apologize for my naivety, for hoping that you wouldn’t hurt me again. i apologize for giving into my past feelings and for not opening my eyes sooner. i apologize not to you, because even to this day, i was honest. let me be, you owe me this much. and as for me, i can only do the same.

 

 

sole witness.

“Here. This is for you, just because”

Completely flustered and flushed in a pink tone of joy, due to the genuine act of kindness and love, you manage to mutter a short “awe, you shouldn’t have” through your trembling lips. These flowers now carry a whole new level of significance simply for the fact that it was from your lover. And so you nourish this token of love with the utmost fragility. You never forget to fill the vase with water and it has now become a beautiful center piece that ties your entire bedroom together like the final bow on any gift, completing the masterpiece.

Yet you find yourself spending most of your efforts struggling to keep these flowers alive because you couldn’t bare the thought of letting this token of love perish. What would it mean? That you failed what appears to be the easiest thing to handle? The idea pains you and you continue to fumble through the seconds that pass because you start to realize that it is inevitable. Everything dies.

Then you become the sole witness to such a beautiful death.

And this is the sad truth to all that lives.

… lips sealed

maybe i’m still waiting for that one person who wants me enough and is bold enough to just do something about it. maybe i don’t want a patient person, or a quiet passive person, maybe i never did. i want to destroy all the lingering questions floating in the air because it becomes difficult to breathe when inhale nothing beyond unreasonable doubts. i’m naturally a hesitant person, regardless of what i feel or what i want so maybe that’s it. maybe i want someone who will stop trying to respect my fears and take me by surprise.

relate.failure

a relationship fails from the lies and the deceit and the betrayal and the hurt and the pain. there are no excuses, reasons, ways around it. both parties forget to recognize the effort, the trials, the fighting for one another. you forget that s/he has put up with all of your faults, your anger, your imperfections, your wishes, your ugly-parts-that-nobody-would-ever-accept. i never wanted to give up— in terms of on you. i never wanted to give up on you because i knew you in ways that you didn’t think i did. i knew your past, your secrets, your fears. you knew all of mine. we opened each other up and scrutinized and examined and took what we wanted and ran away with what only we needed. what you loved more than me hurt me constantly and instead of trying to make you change, i tried to adapt to them and in the process, lost myself and my morals, my priorities, my wants and needs. and in turn, i lost my way and didn’t consider how much it would affect you, took you for granted and thought you would always be my road map to finding myself over again and again. the moments of anguish, of frustration— all of the “why can’t you do this for me”s and “please.. at least try”s; i realize the one thing i hated most was the one thing you loved more. and i realized i allowed myself to put your happiness above my own instead of always telling you the truth.. but lying is never ever excused, either. and it sits here, in this room, it takes up so much space and i just watch it day to day wondering if life would have been better. if you would have ever put me above it. if i would have ever gotten better, with you if not, on my own. and i needed the space and time to think realistically.. if love wasn’t in the equation, what else was? if this was worth it.. what wasn’t? if i could allow myself to surrender to this.. when would i ever truly stand on my own two feet..

 

cities of subselves

i’ve seen way too much and wore my heart on my sleeve way too often to forget what it’s like to feel so fragile and impermanent. i’ve built cities from the depths of broken hearts only to watch as they burst into scintillating luster but i’m only human and humans try until they bleed or until life robs them of strength. i’m tired and my eyes are weak from the burning desire to see beyond the concrete truths. This is all that it’ll ever be, between you and i, me and the next, just like how it’s been with everyone else. i am that comfort, that change, that temporary escape; a distraction. i’ve accepted that a long time ago so I stopped hoping for things to be different. i’ll help you and i’ll hold your hands but when my time is up, i’ll be on my way again and i’m supposed to believe that it’s okay.

move on.

i need to learn to stop beating myself over things i did in the past. those who love me have forgiven me and i guess i need to do the same as well. move on.

there is no looking back.

you asked me if i miss you. my reply is this, “i don’t miss you, i miss the guy who used to call me every night, just to see how my day was. who told me his deepest, darkest secrets, the only one i trusted mine with. the guy who knew how to say sorry, the one who stood up for me, and the one who kept my name safe in his mouth. the guy that was my best friend… that’s the guy i miss. how could i miss you? i don’t even know you.”

there is no looking back. there is no looking back. There is no looking back.

public secrets

there is no such thing as secrets. only hidden truths. those that we try to bury beneath layers of overbearing shallow aesthetic spectacles. waiting – anticipating – to be uncovered. for something or someone special to share them with.they’re there. on top of an open palm of everyone.

you just have to prove that you’re just as special as these truths. for someone so guarded, you just have to be worth it. and in that open, unreserved moment when all have been by its naked self,  you just have to be there.

there are far better things ahead than things we leave behind..

… this is how easy it is: i stopped, for the life out of me, thinking about you. even if it was hard. i stopped. little by little. shedding each piece of what you have shared with me, of what i shared with you.

there are far better things ahead than things we leave behind..

do me a favor and do the same: just stop.

a love letter to you.

i think the best time to say that you already  found the right one…

… is when you stop looking for more…