don’t treat me like i’m always second, the “just in case”, the substitution; do you realize how degrading that feels? could you fathom even the most simple concept of respect? i know too much to look at you with blind eyes or listen with absent ears. you came, you conquered, and you left when you were done because i was only the temporary replacement—the false warmth in the void of emptiness. it was all i was, i didn’t need anyone else to tell me that.

i admit, i am also to blame. i apologize for my naivety, for hoping that you wouldn’t hurt me again. i apologize for giving into my past feelings and for not opening my eyes sooner. i apologize not to you, because even to this day, i was honest. let me be, you owe me this much. and as for me, i can only do the same.

“Here. This is for you, just because”

Completely flustered and flushed in a pink tone of joy, due to the genuine act of kindness and love, you manage to mutter a short “awe, you shouldn’t have” through your trembling lips. These flowers now carry a whole new level of significance simply for the fact that it was from your lover. And so you nourish this token of love with the utmost fragility. You never forget to fill the vase with water and it has now become a beautiful center piece that ties your entire bedroom together like the final bow on any gift, completing the masterpiece.

Yet you find yourself spending most of your efforts struggling to keep these flowers alive because you couldn’t bare the thought of letting this token of love perish. What would it mean? That you failed what appears to be the easiest thing to handle? The idea pains you and you continue to fumble through the seconds that pass because you start to realize that it is inevitable. Everything dies.

Then you become the sole witness to such a beautiful death.

And this is the sad truth to all that lives.

a relationship fails from the lies and the deceit and the betrayal and the hurt and the pain. there are no excuses, reasons, ways around it. both parties forget to recognize the effort, the trials, the fighting for one another. you forget that s/he has put up with all of your faults, your anger, your imperfections, your wishes, your ugly-parts-that-nobody-would-ever-accept. i never wanted to give up— in terms of on you. i never wanted to give up on you because i knew you in ways that you didn’t think i did. i knew your past, your secrets, your fears. you knew all of mine. we opened each other up and scrutinized and examined and took what we wanted and ran away with what only we needed. what you loved more than me hurt me constantly and instead of trying to make you change, i tried to adapt to them and in the process, lost myself and my morals, my priorities, my wants and needs. and in turn, i lost my way and didn’t consider how much it would affect you, took you for granted and thought you would always be my road map to finding myself over again and again. the moments of anguish, of frustration— all of the “why can’t you do this for me”s and “please.. at least try”s; i realize the one thing i hated most was the one thing you loved more. and i realized i allowed myself to put your happiness above my own instead of always telling you the truth.. but lying is never ever excused, either. and it sits here, in this room, it takes up so much space and i just watch it day to day wondering if life would have been better. if you would have ever put me above it. if i would have ever gotten better, with you if not, on my own. and i needed the space and time to think realistically.. if love wasn’t in the equation, what else was? if this was worth it.. what wasn’t? if i could allow myself to surrender to this.. when would i ever truly stand on my own two feet..

i’ve seen way too much and wore my heart on my sleeve way too often to forget what it’s like to feel so fragile and impermanent. i’ve built cities from the depths of broken hearts only to watch as they burst into scintillating luster but i’m only human and humans try until they bleed or until life robs them of strength. i’m tired and my eyes are weak from the burning desire to see beyond the concrete truths. This is all that it’ll ever be, between you and i, me and the next, just like how it’s been with everyone else. i am that comfort, that change, that temporary escape; a distraction. i’ve accepted that a long time ago so I stopped hoping for things to be different. i’ll help you and i’ll hold your hands but when my time is up, i’ll be on my way again and i’m supposed to believe that it’s okay.

you asked me if i miss you. my reply is this, “i don’t miss you, i miss the guy who used to call me every night, just to see how my day was. who told me his deepest, darkest secrets, the only one i trusted mine with. the guy who knew how to say sorry, the one who stood up for me, and the one who kept my name safe in his mouth. the guy that was my best friend… that’s the guy i miss. how could i miss you? i don’t even know you.”

there is no looking back. there is no looking back. There is no looking back.

there is no such thing as secrets. only hidden truths. those that we try to bury beneath layers of overbearing shallow aesthetic spectacles. waiting – anticipating – to be uncovered. for something or someone special to share them with.they’re there. on top of an open palm of everyone.

you just have to prove that you’re just as special as these truths. for someone so guarded, you just have to be worth it. and in that open, unreserved moment when all have been by its naked self,  you just have to be there.

… this is how easy it is: i stopped, for the life out of me, thinking about you. even if it was hard. i stopped. little by little. shedding each piece of what you have shared with me, of what i shared with you.

there are far better things ahead than things we leave behind..

do me a favor and do the same: just stop.

i think the best time to say that you already  found the right one…

… is when you stop looking for more…

… so don’t walk around with your head held down. there’s a beauty in you you haven’t yet discovered. i’m holding it out to you. there’s nothing worthless about you. you just have to have that courage to be who you are in a world where the being fancy about aesthetics take centerstage. you are being you. and nothing can be more beautiful than that.

you asked me if i still write. i am. only this time, you inspire me in the quirkiest way possible. you should know that you’ve given me some spark to write something other than the sadness i occasionally feel.

you make it less lonely. even when you’re away. even when i only see you at  certain weeks in a year. this distance that we have now between us feels like it doesn’t make us grow apart anymore. it only makes us want to learn more about each other. and i take refuge in that.

there’s quietness now. or there is a significant change in how we can be comfortably settled with each other. i can lounge around in casual shirts in cold weather and still feel warm because there’s now you.

if you’ll hide me in riddles. i will let you. if you’re quick enough to turn the other cheek and take my actions as something against you. i will let you. if you’re going to  there’s no point really to comfort something that has been thoughtfully concluded.

i will live in my silence. always from now on.

There are 8765 hours in a year. Assuming you have a fulltime job, you will spend 1920 of these hours at work — at least. That means your job accounts for 20 per cent of your time – so from a strictly mathematical point of veiw, what you do for a living has a significant impact on how you spend your life. Do what you love, or leave it.

~ reposted from a friend’s facebook page Ü

if someone chooses to stay after you’ve laid out everything that happened with you on the times years and distance have separated the two of you, and still is willing to take you or even wait for you in spite of how damaged you’ve become.

it’s something. that counts for something.

and it is

still

in progress…

your heart can break at any age.

no one ever stops wanting but they have to balance what is impossible with what might be possible and try to make sense of their hopes and reality. they haven’t got a lot of hope, it would be unfair if they did. but they do the best with what they have. i mean, we can’t plan everything. life makes its own plans. sometimes we let each down; sometimes we fail each other; sometimes we break each other’s hearts; sometimes we leave. and sometimes we come back and sometimes we stick around. or sometimes it’s okay, even if we don’t. things happen and they are hard, too hard. we just get through them. that we are able. clear eyes, full hearts.

clear eyes. full heart. can’t lose.

if a girl understands your bullshit, sticks around through all your mistakes, and smiles even though you’ve done nothing for her, it’s obvious she’s a keeper and it’s also obvious that you don’t deserve her.

i now know that you were the life i was looking forward to. yet i still managed to turn my back on. i need you now. badly. i want what happiness feels like with even the mere sight of you.

and i still hold on to memories that will never happen.