2 am.

at this time. at this hour. at this minute.

there’s just this void that only belongs to you. i miss you. every single day.  even when i deprived you of  that chance.

i have known in my heart that i would regret doing what i did, and force you to go. if only i could turn back time,i would gladly trade anything for a single moment to be with you. a single touch. a glance. at least to hold you. because you are a part of me. because you were my one true wish.

at this time. at this hour. at this minute. this is when i most miss you. and i can’t help crying each time. and i always ask the same questions that i already know the answer to. and my heart breaks into minute pieces, knowing i can’t undo what i have already done.

the only thing that makes me hold on to your memory was the warmth you had. i should’ve held you. i should’ve wrapped you in my arms. i should’ve fought for you.

know that i love you. always. forever. even if i wasn’t able to when i should.

the jerks you meet.

In life you’ll meet a lot of jerks. If they hurt you, tell yourself that it’s because they’re stupid. That will help keep you from reacting to their cruelty. Because there is nothing worse than bitterness and vengeance… Always keep your dignity and be true to yourself.

~ “Persopolis: The Story of Childhood,” Marjane Satrapi

for the nth time, be on your way.

The last two conversations we had were reflective of how much regret I could’ve wasted on much more simpler things I enjoyed doing before I met you. See, it was better not knowing, not hearing anything from you, and you could’ve just left it at that.

I tested myself if the density of words I used to say to you held as much weight as it had in the past, but they tasted like bitter cough medicine I always ended up throwing up when I was little. And I’m no longer a child. In the very least, I’ve grown much faster the time I had with you.

You talked harshly about things that you think taint your oh-so-goody-image, pushing me to the gutter. The whole point of it is saving your ass.

How many pointless conversations should we have to make you realize that I am better than fine? I am in a much happier place now. And I have no intention of leaving it.

i.am.who.i.am

All I really want right now is to sit comfortably in silence, hear myself think, because words fail me. I watch the breeze sweep the fallen leaves of the things that matter to me most – of beginnings that seem destination-less now. As I sit still in this quietness, I’ll explain what anyone can understand. I open my palms to show what I only have to offer and that it’s not much. I work with what I have no matter how meager they seem.

I work for adoration, for recognition but I am a slave to my personal beliefs, my pride. My well-built, strong facade is torn down by the tears I have cried. My life has been inconsistent so far, with a few peaks of happiness but more plateau of sadness and disappointments. I’ve seen my star rise but I’ve also seen it crumble. I’ve allowed myself to trust people no matter how unworthy they are – one too many times. I’ve made it conscious effort to hold good memories of people than to remember the bad ones. They make the wings that make me fly high.

And while some people may regard mortal possessions as legitimate reasons to be above everyone, I can only exist to watch them and continue being as I. I am who I am and it won’t get any simpler than that.

3.16

i am who i am. i said what i felt. even if it was irrational. even if it was overzealously articulated out of sheer frustration. i am me.

i will not apologize for feeling what i felt (or will ever start to) or how i choose to feel it. i am not fueled by reasons. i am a machine of my emotions – its acceleration depends how happy or how angry i’ll get.

i’m going to…

There has been not much that I did the last year. I was floating on emotions I should’ve put more into other things. I dwelled, sulked, and celebrated much of the loneliness without really ever meaning to overcome it.

This year, I’ll be more active in some of the things I have neglected in the past. Although I’m drained out of the emotions, I’m much more aware of myself now than I ever did before. I have more time to explore more of the selfishness I deserve.

ex-aspirated

Let go. Hold on. It’s either one or the other. Choosing either one over the other. Where will I  be happier.

If  it’s any easier, I should be happy by now. Not this corpse trying to live by each day. Barely able to work through each day. Drained out of all the energy I once had.

It’s strange how a single person can affect you; how he can change your life. And you’re too willing to give him all that you have. But still it seems, it isn’t enough for him. I don’t know if there ever will be some enough for both of us.

He gave up. Surrendered. Walked away. Left. Giving me the answer that hurt too much.

And I said okay. Sulked a little. Cried to get by.

Then move on. Dealing with life. Taking everything. Repairing.

Then he pulls me back.  Just when you’re happy. Just when you’re on the verge of forgetting. And it gets harder.

He maybe worth the fight. But I know couldn’t fight forever.

I don’t know.

next!

Life will break you. Nobody can protect you from that, and living alone won’t either, for solitude will also break you with its yearning. You have to love. You have to feel. It is the reason you are here on earth. You are here to risk your heart. You are here to be swallowed up. And when it happens that you are broken, or betrayed, or left, or hurt, or death brushes near, let yourself sit by an apple tree and listen to the apples falling all around you in heaps, wasting their sweetness. Tell yourself that you tasted as many as you could. ”

~ Louise Erdrich

risk

Life will break you. Nobody can protect you from that, and living alone won’t either, for solitude will also break you with its yearning. You have to love. You have to feel. It is the reason you are here on earth. You are here to risk your heart. You are here to be swallowed up. And when it happens that you are broken, or betrayed, or left, or hurt, or death brushes near, let yourself sit by an apple tree and listen to the apples falling all around you in heaps, wasting their sweetness. Tell yourself that you tasted as many as you could.

— Louise Erdrich

pity.shame.silence

The best years of your life are the ones in which you decide your problems are your own. You do not blame them on anyone or anything. You realize that you control your own destiny.

We are powerful because we have survived.

No pity. No shame. No silence.

his choice

There’s this truth I need to overpower. Oddly, it’s loving him. Even when it hurts. Even when I can’t see him enough. When I am afraid he’ll forget me. When I’m afraid it’s easier not to. When I’m afraid it won’t matter or that it never did.

and he knows why I need to.

He chose someone else.

choosing

I chose this path. Not because of fear – of love – commitment. But because of the circumstances around me.

Time. Everything in our life is just about a matter of time. Waiting for the right time. We can’t rush into things and make a big leap forward just because of the emotions we’re feeling.

Being rational and knowing when to wait or do something.. I think that’s being responsible to oneself and the people around you. Because we don’t live alone in this world.

Being patient – to wait for the right time – is hard. But it could be the best decision ever made in your life.