eenie minie moe

even when i’ve learned to live with insecurities, i still am afraid that i may, one day, be losing you. i, sometimes, wonder if i’m capable of meeting what you desire. i wish i was a little bit skinnier, sexier like i used to. perhaps, that would diminish the voices in my head.

sometimes, when we sleep, i hold you a little tighter. it’s my way of reassuring myself that you aren’t going anywhere. that when you say you’ll stay, you mean it. and not once, did you fall short of that promise.

everyday is a struggle between trusting myself to trust you. yet, you do not give any reason to doubt you. you fight through my insecurities. you love me even more when i do not have the courage to give. you’re open to only me taking even when it is unfair.

the reasons i love you are also the reasons you make me realize that i shouldn’t be embarrassed of myself. thank you my love, for choosing me.

dear son,

i probably don’t deserve the life you have graciously given up for me.  or i’ve chosen to selfishly take back. i’m forever wounded, you must know that. i walk around feeling completely unable to steer clear of the past everyone has asked me never to look back at. how could i not? it was a minute greed that overpowered everything else; it never opted to leave a piece of me or you.

sometimes, when i think i’ve moved on, i feel like i’m repeating the betrayal. i took what should’ve been yours. you were probably the mistake that i was willing to live with but was too afraid to keep. and i can’t, for the life of me, be someone else without you.

the date we cross out

© Mike Baird

single. not looking. not even mingling. shoot down anyone who expressed romance. two years. two years of making that vow. two years of taking that vow back.

and i love you for reminding how easy to hold hands with someone again. of counting perfectly-fitted fingers in between mine. of how each hand would gesture that i am loved and i have someone to love in return. of how those hand would push me to be stronger. of how they wiped every frustration i had. those same hands that have kept me sane even when everything is becoming out of focus.

i love you. two years. even when we don’t have an official date. every single day would be a celebration of our relationship.

i don’t need monthsaries or anniversaries. all i need is right here. you. and i don’t need a calendar to prove just that.

hearsay.

sometimes it’s very frustrating to know that origin of the problem started with the person who we have presumed to lead by example.  it’s really hard to understand that the day you realized and understood what it was, it already is too late. how do we undo what we practice ourselves?