Fast Rewind: Being the first-born, I was the queen when I was a kid. I was able to get what I want using my innocence as a bait. My parents provided me everything I wanted and needed (But let me point out that my parents didn’t spoil me or my siblings). Achievement was getting high grades, receiving academic medals, and making crush notice me. Success to me was making my parents happy at the end of the day because of these achievements. It was easy getting my way because I was the boss; because I get to boss my siblings and I had the bigger share of my parents’ trust without being guilty about it. I enjoyed being the oldest, the ate. I was always in a hurry to grow up thinking that a greater grasp of independence can make me a woman of the world.
Fast Forward to present: I got older and my monetary means into getting what I want shrinked . Our brotherly and sisterly communication no longer starts with ate. It got worse when I graduated from college and started to earn my keep in this world. I realized that it sucks fitting the role of the first-born child.
I am no longer my parents’ priority. What i wanted, I had to work for and although they may not have been upfront about it, share some of it to the household. I had to be responsible, to at least become a parent to my younger siblings, financially and emotionally. I had a limited budget for an entire two weeks before the next payout comes. I can’t even buy new shoes without being guilty about it afterwards.
My siblings and I look forward to weekends. We get a chance to play with our two-year-old nephew, Peye (pronounced Pay-eeh). The child brings out the children in us. We get joy from simply spending a few hours with him.
Well, truth to tell, Peye reminds us of what we used to have – a carefree spirit and an enthusiastic approach to life. I am pretty sure that we have asked our parents to buy that little toy at the counter more than a countless times. Or the countless of times when we just seemed not sleepy at all waiting for our birthday party to come and have our hands filled with gifts.
Peye makes us pause to, at least for a few hours, pretend to be kids again. His laughter infects us even his screeches. He makes other people happy effortlessly. He can also make other people beckon to what he wants or to what he needs (even in garbled words).
So why am I writing such stuff about my nephew? The answer plainly resides in a silent wish to be a kid again; where I will not wake up to adult responsibilities day after day, dragging my feet to work, and make it through the day. *big sigh*
i’ve received some interesting messages lately. okay, what the heck only two of them, not the forwarded kind. they’re very juicy (details undisclosed for protection of privacy). and then things started to roll.
anyway, my point here is, i’m so naive into thinking that everything will be working out fine but in reality, when i put all the formulas together, it will result to some inappropriate pleasantries. i haven’t even met the person nor does she have met me. in parallel circumstances, i can’t blame her. i am just in a position where i shouldn’t be but for lack for better coherence, i have consently allowed myself to get into.
it sucks to grow up. life becomes complicated. sooner or later u get urself tangled in realtionships and you get confused on how to untie the knots (that never were there in the first place) until they get tighter.
we may have grown up. we may have some years added and some limbs that have grown longer but as much as we have to convince ourselves that we have become wiser, we will never be wise. we still react the same way we did when we were younger. case in point: when we have something taken away from us, most of us bite back by trash talking and some little bit of scratching if proximity allows it (just like we did in the first grade or was that kindergarten, i’m not sure). i guess, we never grow up.
i was perched on a high branch for so long that i overlooked some details. i magnified the world into this dreamland. that when i decided to come down, let myself feel if the ground was solid enough, there’s not much joy to jubilate when i found out it was moist. expecting the worse may be a better survival after all.
i don’t know. this phrase may pretty much sum up what i am feeling right now. i JUST don’t know.
10. “They told me at the blood bank this might happen.”
9. “This is just a 15-minute power-nap like they raved about in that time management course you sent me to.”
8. “Whew! Guess I left the top off the Whiteout. You probably got here just in time!”
7. “I wasn’t sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm.”
6. “I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance.”
5. “I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Are you discriminatory toward people who practice Yoga?”
4. “Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem.”
3. “The coffee machine is broken…”
2. “Someone must’ve put decaf in the wrong pot…”
and the #1 best thing to say if you get caught sleeping at your desk…
1. ” … in Jesus’ name. Amen.”
· be in two places at one time – a walk to remember?? drama!!! hahahaha
· travel! so many sights to see! so many things to do! Ü
· take many pictures! wacky pictures! – continuous
· learn another foreign language and make sure I use it – my japanese elective course got wasted!
· scuba dive off the Philippines’ Barrier reef
· throw a huge party
· swim with the dolphins
· have my portrait painted
· go skinny dipping at midnight
· watch the launch of a space shuttle – sa discovery channel!
· attend a cosplay – ETONG where are you?
· learn more about marvel characters – ETONG? 😛
· spend a whole day eating ice cream without feeling guilty
· be an extra in a film
· tell someone the story of my life, sparing no details
· own a room with a view
· learn how to take a compliment
· kiss a celebrity crush
· give my mother a dozen roses and tell her I love her
· send a message in a bottle
· plant a tree
· punch someone right in the face – done!
· learn not to say yes when you really mean no
· write a fan letter to my all-time favorite celebrity – Leonardo DiCaprio haha! Ü (ps: never got a reply, not even an autographed picture)
· be the boss
· attend a court hearing
· stay out all night and go to work the next day without having gone home
· be someone’s mentor – preschool days
· shower in a waterfall – PAGUDPUD!
· ask for a raise – BDO NEMY. am i a dead air? .BAD TRIP!! :p
· learn to play a musical instrument with some degree skill
· teach someone illiterate to read – preschool days
· blow all my savings
· write down my personal mission statement, follow it, and revise it from time to time
· see a lunar eclipse – highschool days?? can’t remember
· get passionate about a cause and spend time helping it, instead of just thinking about it
· sing a great song in front of an audience – I’m a bitch.. i’m a lover… im a friend… ladida
· make a complete and utter fool of myself – FRIENDSTER PIC
· sleep under the stars
· take a ride on the highest roller coaster in the country – SPACE SHUTTLE!! SCARY!!!
· spend the whole day reading a great novel – trying to make a commitment to do it on weekends
· learn to juggle 3 balls
· find a job I love
· overcome my fear of failure
· donate money and put your name on something: a college scholarship, a bench in the park
· buy my own house and then spend time making it into exactly what I want
· grow a garden
· spend 3 months getting my body into optimum shape
· drive a convertible with the top down and music blaring
· go up in a hot air ballon
· give to charity – anonymously
· lose more money than I can afford in a casino
· fart in a crowded space Ü
· look into my child’s eyes, see myself and smile
· reflect on my greatest weakness and realize how it is my greatest strength
· visit a nude beach
· give a flower to a stranger
· go on a safari
· go whale watching
· watch a PBA championship game
· white water rafting
· ride a gondola in Venice with the love of my life
· attend a nude painting session
· attend up’s oblation run
· ask someone on a date
· get an organ donor card
· fall deeply in love – helplessly and unconditionally
· hug a stranger
· go on a cruise
· learn how to stalk a person 😛 ahhaha