appreciation

I think that’s what I find most strange about this world, nobody ever says how they feel. They hurt, but they don’t cry out. They’re happy, but they don’t dance or jump around. And they’re angry but they hardly ever scream, because they feel ashamed. Nothing’s worse than that. So we all walk around with our heads looking down and never look up and see how beautiful the sky is

closure.finally.

We grew up. We grew apart. That’s the only explanation I could give him. I knew that we weren’t able to sustain a relationship when we were far apart.

I knew he was coming home. He always do at this time of the year (aside from christmas). I have always been aware of it. He calls to tell me he’s here and to ask me if it was okay to see me. Each time he did, I consciously tried to make an excuse not to because I was still not ready to ask him what I learned at the later year of our relationship and I was still unprepared to really know what really went on with our three-year-old relationship. This went on for more than a year. Sure there were occasional texts, missed calls from him, and emails I never really got a chance to accept because all I could think about is moving on and escaping from his infidelity. All I could think about is going forward, fix the broken pieces.

I don’t think I was able to fix the broken pieces because subconsciously I knew I was missing a piece. I allowed that piece to keep its place and it unceasingly bore resentment towards him, towards myself and commitment in general. Until we were able to finally talk four days ago and acknowledge the fact that sooner or later we need to give each other the closure that should have happened more than a year ago.

My decision to finally cave in to meeting him wasn’t borne out of being hung over him, it was mostly about finally being fair for both of us. It was time. Time for both of us to move on and lead each other away from our past. Time to allow ourselves become happy for each other and renew our friendship. Time that allowed us to accede that we aren’t really made to be lovers. It was time to acknowledge our maturity towards dealing our new status to one another.

I loved him. I love him. I will always love him. The inconsistencies may be unabiding to the rules of romantic relationships but he will always have those feelings from me. I learned much from my relationship with him. I grew up because of him. I attained some maturity as we nurtured as well as neglected each other. That was how helpful we have been to each other. I loved him for the man who once loved me. I love him for what he has overcome. And I will always love him for the friendship he has agreed to have with me.

There may have been pain within the process that led us to finally have a conversation without the malice and what-have-you-done and it’s-all-your-fault and if-loved-me-you-should’ve-have-not-hurt-me-this-much brouhahahaha, but it was all worth it. I dare say it was all worth. Because when we finally met, I knew where I stood and where he stood.

And I understood. He understood. The past didn’t matter anymore. Then we headed different directions. As Friends. Surprisingly sufficient for both of us.

MONA LISA SMILE

It’s quite revealing to regard that a smile is not supposed to be taken as it is: a sign of happiness, of contentment in life… In most realities, a smile is a facade – defense mechanism in order to shun inquiries of unhappiness or discontentment in life. It is a fictional adaptation of what they really want to feel; a diversion from the gradual destruction of self-esteem and of belief.

I’ve been lucky enough to have friends that have been able to help me rise above the pretentious nature of a smile. they know how to gauge my feelings; they have seen me through my worst. they have been able to nurse the feeling of unworthiness not by providing me with the shit of caressing my ego but by simply being able to silently be there and wait for me to take comfort in them, they just sit by me. With these things, I am very thankful that they have been able to bring the real smile out of me…

Maybe, to some, a smile is a barometer of happiness. to me, it’s a way of not explaining how I am right now even when i badly need a shoulder to cry on. It’s a way of letting bad feelings go, of bad energies not to sink into me and my whole outlook on life. I don’t need to hold a grudge forever…

wandering whys

there are certain things in life where we doubt our existence. I think it’s because we search for the answers that simply gets complicated the more we become obssessed with the finding out…

My friends often tell me that life is a journey; that I shouldn’t rush things; that each step I take I should savor and that I shouldn’t race… However, anxiety clouds this advice. There are things and situations that I’d rather would not dwell upon and that if I stayed too long, I would get more confused then in the end, create complications that hinder simple judgments… Then we wander around keeping track of the answers that has been unconsciously nurtured into doubts and fears…

Life’s a Bitch & I’m Living.. It sucks!

what am i to do? I’m just a sacrificial lamb of life’s inadequacies and imperfections. I am a product of compassion and of indifference. I am the infant borne through foolish ideals and a defeated purpose.

Life has unmade me when it has made me. For in between this process, the soul learned to yearn for freedom; he mind teetered on its sanitgy and; the heart held on to its humanity. How ironic it is to become aware of a world nurtured in hate and misunderstandings? How cruel it is to be awakened to a spoiled environment cultivated by the struggle for power and superiority! A soul could only walk upon this life blinded by confusion, uneducated by the ideals of yesterdays; a heart loves in spite of its tiredness.

I’ve learned that to get out of life, I need to get through it – I need to complete the cycle, accept the possibilities and realities, and be a slave to its cruelties – then pack and leave. Move on. It’s quite disheartening when I’ve chosen to follow shortcuts all through my lifetime; but in the end, I’ve realized that setbacks and failures hit less and create less impact if I have stuck by the rule, and if I could have chosen the longer route. This is because, by then, the whole trek would have numbed me and it would have taught me to deal better with the other journeys ahead. What lies outside of life is nothing but a barren sea of serenity, which could be enjoyed better when I’ve made sense of what it is really contained in life had I penetrated deeper than the surface.

To go through life means having to prepare one’s self for hardwork and an extra more for the disappointments.

i

You
ascend towards the heavens
Where
your dreams take flight
With
wings that glitter of ideal –
the product of an infinite desire
to alter tomorrow with hope
That
envelope the world with an
untarnished realism of fantasy
Then the
world pulls you back to earth
Where
injustice awaits to devour you
to consume you through the
unlikeliness of a visible reality…
You
struggle to break free
To
ungrasp the chain that binds you
to the disrealization of your dreams
To
unshackle the fear that ties you
to an omnipresent doubt
Stronger
and braver you become
Unmindful
of the barriers that h inder you
Unmindful
of the footprints of triumph
that follows you…

NUMB

I heard the echoes of your despair
But I remained still and deaf – immovable
To run to your defense
My heart yearned to share your sorrow
Define it and then bury it beneath the joy
My arms started to imprison you
To shield you from the pain
But they remained shackled and complacent
And weak to peel away the memory of the misery
I tried to draw my weapons
And scare away the demons of your sadness
Hoping to leave behind the joy of companionship
But no matter how courageous my heart becomes
My body continued to disagree
I tried to weave only the promise of joy
Only to disappoint you with the reality of illusion
Believe, I willed myself to believe what my imagination
Hopes and believes that I could do…
In the end, I realized that bravery
Is only a façade of a false courage?
Love is only an idea that rapidly disappears
Hope is only an ice that easily melts
As one continues to challenge each survival
Courage is a kaleidoscopic tapestry of an abstract understanding
– confusing and undesirable
In the end, disappointment continues to draw away from my lifeless existence…

OPEN SURGERY

I feel like crap, sort of like an open wound,left to heal by itself. No matter how carefully I stitch myself together, the pain lingers, infecting the life that has yet to be lived.
I hate hating myself. It’s exhausting.  I hate hating my life. It drains my energy. Yet, I can’t help feeling like it. I wish. No I pray (never much of a religious person) that this addiction, this hating-myself-routine, would change so that my life can move on. i don’t like to have my heart broken every time.

I’m tired.

Suffocated.

My limbs, appendages becoming machines of an unsupervised desire to be someone. To be someone who hands out her choices to those who she thinks has the right to own her life, because she is thankful. someone who’s worth the effort to be loved, to be cared for.
oh crap, i hate myself. i hate speaking out in volumes of text yet is a coward to speak it loudly. I hate lying on a cold bed, emotionally drained out to feel anything. without anesthesia to keep me from caring,i lie here, kept awake to see my life wasted.

Oh crap, I hate my life!

heartbroken ramblings

i have my heart in my hand
open, with unbleeding skin
in need of nothing
but time to fuse it back together
i said i was over it
i started counting the days until forever
like any one hurt must do if time is to be their compass
i started to walk away, walking away
trusting the advice of broken men
because who knows better what not love

In theory, I am unbreakable
yet i like to make the pain linger
breaking the fragile heart in pieces
i practice each day,
deciding not to love anymore
to spare myself one more of the lingering pains
that tie to the totem pole
of desiring what i could not have
of wishing what is forbidden
i don’t know how to stop
i am attracted to self destruction
men are lured to my loneliness
i can only offer them a broken heart
pretending that it’s whole once again
constantly praying that i may find
a permanent drug for killing the pain
men are little gods i put on a totem pole
with recurring images of the love
i was only accustomed to
– betrayed, disloyal –
and all the dead things that make us alive
create my abstract masterpiece
a shrewd sense of who i should be with..

giving cinderella a chance

a heart always bruised from now-nameless lovers
then hopeful that they would stay
misleading yourself that each will last a lifetime
but otherwise, left you to fall apart
one heartbreak came after another
yet you’re still hopeful, optimistic
to the idea that you will find a match made in heaven
that you are able to find someone who truly loves you
more than you are able to love yourself
your vivid imagination recall the fairy tales of your childhood
waiting for the prince to come, reintroduce you to love
yet you only became acquainted with it
in the end, you only knew about its elusiveness
or the inevitable anticipation of the end
that you are in denial of…
you only know how to let go
because that is how you are able to love them genuinely…
but in letting go, you were also breaking your heart… :’-(

Good griefs friday.. ay-ayie

Four hours and 30 minutes. That’s how long I sat in church on Good Friday. Of all the days in the Holy Week why did my mother picked on me to come with her on this day? Of all the days why did I have to suffer picking household peace over slumbering! Not to mention that this is the first time in three years that I will ever step in  and sit in a church for more than an hour (Hey, I sometimes go to church, pray for forgiveness and thanking Him for my blessings but that’s on rare occasions!). I have long self-proclaimed that I’m a semi atheist (I believe in God, I just don’t see the point in having a definite religion). This day was a violation of my human rights!

What About Love (Lemar)


I have had this song on repeat mode for nearly a week now. It’s quite ironic when the way to love someone is to let them go. Sappy. Sad. Me.

What if I took my time to love you?
What if I put no one above you?
What if I did the things
That really mattered?
What if I ran through
Hoops of disaster?

No one would care if
We never made it
We’re in this alone
So why don’t we face it
There is no room to
Blame one another
We just need time to
Forgive each other

What about love?
What about feeling?
What about all the things that make life worth living?
What about faith?
What about trust?
And tell me baby…what about us?

How can I give this
Love a new beginning?
How can I stop the rain?
It’s never ending
How do I keep my soul believing?
Memories of how we
Should be keep calling

What about love?
What about feeling?
What about all the things that make life worth living?
What about faith?
What about trust?
And tell me baby…what about us?

I’ll take the rivers rise
I’ll take the happy times
I’ll take the moments of disaster

What about love?
What about feeling?
What about all the things that make life worth living?
What about faith?
What about trust?
And tell me baby…what about us?