empty promises

I don’t want to turn out a cynic just because of what he did. I was never that kind of girl. I enjoy having faith in people, I get so much warmth just doing that. I am a believer. I choose to be – even if it’s not for my own good.

I need him to understand that I don’t want to lose anything of what is left in what we have. I need to believe that he is willing to be the person he wishes to be. It’s such a simple logic: how will I live on empty words, the lack of action on the conviction he declares? I need so much more than this. I need him to help me save myself from myself – from the little girl who still believes in fairy tales and happy endings – to save me from drowning into a deeper voidness.

I refuse to disbelieve in him. Yet he’s slowly forcing me to. The countless look-overs, pushovers, turn-the-other-way circumstances create this dangerous pessimism. It’s lonely being left when he chooses to take more, not willing to give even just a speck of time. Tossing me, playing me just like a worn-out doll.

I don’t want to complicate things, this relationship we have. I have only these simple rules:  stick to what you say, promise nothing, surprise me. Because right now, looking back, he has me trapped into this one long hallow vacuum – consuming all of me,then leaving me empty.

I really wish I can hold on strongly, more tightly. More than enough for both of us.  Yet I think this is just how far my limits go.

In the long run, I need to find me again.

Without him.

Hopefully.

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the greatest irony of love

“The greatest irony of love; loving the right person at the wrong time, having the wrong person when the time is right and finding out you love someone right after that person walks out of your life. And sometimes, you think you’re already over a person, but when you see them smile at you, you’ll suddenly realize that you’re just pretending to be over them just to ease the pain of knowing that they will never be yours again. For some, they think that letting go is one way of expressing how much they love that person. Some are afraid to see the one they love being held by someone else. Most relationships tend to fail not because the absence of love. Love is always present. It’s just that one was being loved too much and the other was being love too little. As we all know that the heart is the center of the body but it beats on the left. Maybe that’s the reason why the heart is not always right. Most often we fall in love with the person we think we love but to only discover that for them, we are just for passing time while the one who truly loves us remains either a friend or a stranger. So here’s a piece of advice; let go when you’re hurting too much, give up when love isn’t enough, and move on when things are not like before. For sure there is someone out there who will love you even more.”

The It Girl

always.will.

Ever have that one person in your life that you just can’t give up on, the one person that can screw you over time after time yet you always seem to give them another chance, and no matter how many times you say this is their last one, you know it’s a lie because there’s always just one more waiting for them. the one person you know you’re better off without but yet you can’t find a way to let them go because deep down inside, you wouldn’t know what to do without them. The one person you know doesn’t deserve you but yet you choose to overlook it because you love him.

in fairness

Hierarchy is such a huge concept. Nonetheless, too corrupt for my own taste. You cannot measure authority by which you’ve been entitled to. You measure it otherwise through the action you speak.  The vastness of the kingdom you possess does not entitle you to belittle people. Neither does it speak of the power to hold. You only hold a title, not character. A golden crown, not a golden heart.

You speak of such heroic things yet you turn on them right after its articulation. You cannot be the messiah we hope. You are not worthy of us nor of the kingdom you’ve been handed.

Greed is what you possess. That’s the only treasure you’ll ever have. Now, when all will take mutiny, you’ll find yourself on the outside. Looking in.

live.alone.

The fact of existence will proclaim:  people will judge the facade. They’ll be vicious to pry upon the superficial, never the loneliness. They’ll pick on you like freshly ripened grapes, ready to be consumed – devoured.

And it gets lonelier. Amplified by the emptiness of your whole being. Ultimately, you’ll be hallow, weighless. You will hear yourself think. Broken, it says. Lonely but not alone. You stand in a crowd with a sea with familiar faces but none too close to stay for the darkest hour. Because they thrive on the spotlight you bring. Feasting on the platter you offer. Free to take, unwilling to give.

You beg to be spared of the iniquity. Waiting to be absolved of  such cruelty. Aiming at an unknown target. No one’s there.  No one who’s kind not to persecute you even more. Forcing yourself to defend blindly.

You drift along the river, like a useless log. There’s nothing else to do. Just drift.