circling

Sometimes it is in the friendship we nurture with other people that we learn how to value ourselves. It gives a much deeper meaning to the concept of love. It’s a good, honest assessment on how much we’ll turn out for the better rather than keep falling apart for someone. It makes you forget why you’re hurting too much. It’s a soothing balm when you’re at your most heartbreaking episode.

I am in love with my friends. And I take comfort in the fact that even if I’m at my foolest love-spelled state, they manage to still be there and catch me no matter how high I fell.

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blagh!

From our last conversation, I regret sending him the message that might have insulted him to which he asked a question I’ve chosen to better leave unanswered rather than respond with something triggered by my yet unsubdued resentment towards him. I realized that remaining silent will pacify everything and decrease the growing anger that was threatening to make me fall apart (and I’ve gone past this stage).

I didn’t mean the words to be articulated the way they did. But being hurt hurts and when I’m forced to deal with it, the outcome is more damaging than it already was. For someone with whom you share an intense feeling, anger is more elevated which overshadows the love that binds you together. This is how insane our relationship is. Being hurt changes the dynamics, making it worse.

Sometimes we talk about how people see him as a failure, how when everything doesn’t go well as he planned or hoped for. I know the feeling too well enough to not care about people’s thoughts. And even in my knowing, it doesn’t lessen being hurt for him and care about him. Because I know that he has beautiful plans and that he is capable of making them.

When some people prefer to easily hate him for failing and then celebrating it with i-told-you-so’s, I sit behind the crowd cheering him on and admire his courage to stick around even when everything falls apart. It’s a silent encouragement just to show I’ll always be there for him especially in down times. It’s such a pleasure to see when he stands up with a smile on his face. Even more when I see people wonder why he’s still smiling. I have come to realize that I will never hate him for failing. I love him more for trying.

He thinks it’s easy to move on, advising me to look for someone so forgetting can be much easier. Delivering an utterly crappy excuse that I deserve more than we have now, someone better. I know I deserve much better. I recognize the fact that I was in a much more secured relationships  than what we have. But I am not a smart girl, I do not need to wise up. I act on what I feel and the reason why I stayed for this long is because I felt I didn’t want more than him but more of him, more from him.

saudade

This is what I define you. You are. Will always be.

Tenho Saudades Tuas

Saudade [sɐ.uˈda.ðɨ]  is a Portuguese and Galician word for a feeling of nostalgic longing for something or someone that one was fond of and which is lost. It often carries a fatalist tone and a repressed knowledge that the object of longing might really never return.

It has hasbeen described as a “vague and constant desire for something that does not and probably cannot exist … a turning towards the past or towards the future”.

Saudade was once described as “the love that remains” or “the love that stays” after someone is gone. Saudade is the recollection of feelings, experiences, places or events that once brought excitement, pleasure, well-being, which now triggers the senses and makes one live again. It can be described as an emptiness, like someone that should be there in a particular moment is missing, and the individual feels this absence. In Portuguese, ‘Tenho Saudades Tuas’, translated as ‘I have Saudades of you’ means ‘I miss you’, but carries a stronger tone.

~ Wikipedia

goodbye hello

I keep wishing that he’ll have more room to spare to acknowledge the relationship every time he asks for another chance. I keep looking for the person that he was, for the person he promises to be, but I keep failing myself.

We’ve had to say goodbye one too many times more than we have liked but somehow something draws us back together. And no matter how many times we have to say it and do it even if its for a greater good, it still stings – every time. And every time it happens, I always hope it lasts til there’s no more to look forward to.

It isn’t easy being with someone who says words that calms you and then take it all back. It isn’t reassuring to be in a relationship where you feel left out when you have thought you have a fresh start.  It isn’t comforting to have to be the one in the relationship to involuntary understand why he forgets some things you need to abate the insecurities.

Oddly enough, I realized that either one of us doesn’t want to let go.  It’s either one of us simply push things aside and leave it for later – hoping that one has found the courage to walk away and not look back. And when later turns to now, the same cycle starts and someone ends hurting all over again.

I long for the spaces in between what we have now and what we had before. Back to when little changes drew us together rather than made us further apart. Right now, I hate missing the person I was very deeply connected with.

This long silence may have its place now in between us. Until one of us learn not to say hello again. I’ll go on with my life, but not without a loneliness that’s too heartbreaking to define.

Anywhere But Here | Safetysuit

You’re beautiful inside,
you’re so lovely
and I can’t see why I’d do anything without you, you are
And when I’m not with you,
I know that it’s true
That I’d rather be anywhere but here without you

Is this the end of the moment
or just a beautiful unfolding
Of a love that will never be
or maybe be
Everything that I never thought could happen
or ever come to pass
and I wonder
If maybe,
maybe I could be all you ever dreamed, cause you are

Beautiful inside, so lovely
and I can’t see why I’d do anything without you,
you are
And when I’m not with you,
I know that it’s true
That I’d rather be anywhere but here without you

Is this a natural feeling
or is it just me bleeding
All my thoughts and dreams in hope that you will be with me or
Is this a moment to remember
or just a cold day in December,
I wonder
If maybe, maybe I could be all you ever dreamed cause you are

Beautiful inside, so lovely
and I can’t see why I’d do anything without you, you are
And when I’m not with you,
I know that it’s true
That I’d rather be anywhere but here without you

Is this the end of the moment
or just a beautiful unfolding of a love that will never be for you and me
Cause you are

You’re beautiful inside,
you’re so lovely
and I can’t see why I’d do anything without you, you are
And when I’m not with you,
I know that it’s true
That I’d rather be anywhere but here without you

it is what it is…

It is what it is. For the hardest relationship, this was an immediate answer to the nagging question if it’s really over (after a numerous string of break ups and make ups). Here lies the simplicity of yielding to what has been opposed to. It was something – an absolute surrender to a love spell. It is, now, some thing – a past that taught me how to realize value and self-worth.

Sometimes we become more of ourselves after being drained. It takes losing someone completely to figure out what they really mean to you. And it takes letting go of someone to understand what you really mean to other people – those who appreciate more of you in spite of your flaws.

It is what it was. Little regrets. Just little regrets.

i’m going to…

There has been not much that I did the last year. I was floating on emotions I should’ve put more into other things. I dwelled, sulked, and celebrated much of the loneliness without really ever meaning to overcome it.

This year, I’ll be more active in some of the things I have neglected in the past. Although I’m drained out of the emotions, I’m much more aware of myself now than I ever did before. I have more time to explore more of the selfishness I deserve.