eunoia.

I think I still have that capacity in me – to love even when it seems it’s impossible – in spite of my having experienced a lot of disappointments and hurt this year, I still am the little girl who believes in fairy dusts and rainbows. How could I not be? If it’s possible for one person to hurt another, then, there’s always the equal possibility that he can be healed by another. That’s just how life is. And I’m sticking by it.

ellipsis.

If pain must come, may it come quickly. Because I have a life to live, and I need to live it in the best way possible. If he has to make a choice, may he make it now. Then I will either wait for him or forget him. Waiting is painful. Forgetting is painful. But not knowing which to do is the worst kind of suffering.

“By the River Piedra I Sat Down and Wept,” Paulo Coelho

illusory.

What you say and how you look does not define who you are, because some of the most beautiful people do the ugliest things. You owe it to the people who hate you, who disrespect you and who put you down. Because they are the ones who have made you who you are today; for keeping your head up and not breaking down when they want you to.

that’s how strong my love is | Alicia Keys

It was ironic, as i was writing the previous post, this song kept playing in my head. I guess this is what happens when one is comfortable now with the fact that it was what it was, and nothing can change that. Keeping the memories, which once in a while flash back, but still one keeps looking ahead.


That’s How Strong My Love Is

some people they call me crazy
for falling in love with you
they can take me and lock me away baby
’cause there’s nothing those bars can do

I’ll be the rising moon after setting sun
just to let you know you’ll always have someone
I’llbe the clearest day when the rain is done
so you’ll always know

through the shake of an earthquake
i will never fall
that’s how strong my love is
like a ship through the storm
we can risk it all
that’s how strong my love is

i used to feel kinda lonely
cause the world it can be so fake
all that matters i’m telling you
is you and me only
and the fortress from love we’d make

i’ll be the water you need in the desert land
just to let you know you’ll always have my hand
i’ll be the woman you need to be a better man
so you’ll always know

through the shake of an earthquake
i will never fall
that’s how strong my love is
like a ship through the storm
we can risk it all
that’s how strong my love is

oh, can’t nothing break us down
oh, ’cause we are heaven bound
like the mountain standing tall:
immovable; we’re here to stay
oh,can’t nothing get in the way

through the shake of an earthquake
i will never fall(i will never fall)
that’s how strong my love is(that’s how strong my love is)
like a ship through the storm
we can risk it all(we can risk it all)
that’s how strong my love is(that love is)

through the deepest waters
i won’t let you drown (I won’t let you drown Ohh!)
that’s how strong my love is (Oh that’s how strong my love, my love, my love)
cause we’re the moon in the sky
that will never come down (never come down)

that’s how strong my love is (Oh that’s how strong my love is)
that’s how strong my love is
that’s how strong my love is

dear beautiful sunset,

I hate everything we used to have. I hate being comfortable and settled with the pretending-not-to-be-jealous-see-who-gives-in-first tug-of-war. I hate recalling memories that manages to hurt more when I take them out of the box. I smile then I wince. How funny that they can trigger two emotions at the same time. They’re there. And I don’t have much use trying to deny otherwise. I hate the girls you once liked. I hate the women you once loved. I hate most the woman you now love. I hate every other girl you find pretty. I hate girls. I now hate boys. I loved you. Only you. And every other man that comes along is measured up by how much I have loved you. It scares me how much I have built a wall disallowing every other man to have as much as you had. Maybe I am longing for what once was. Or maybe I still love you. I hate you.

breathe.reboot.

Breathe. The world won’t stop at your beckoning – it twirls and turns until you become confused with the reorganization. Reboot. You’ve been kicked in the gut several times but life will still go on; you just have to move and deal with the outcome because try as you might to get even, chances are it will never remake what has been damaged. When things go awry – when things seem out of place – and you seem out of sync with your thoughts, breathe. Just breathe. We live in an eternal reality series that have no ending, only tweaked plots depending on how you want to play it, each of us reliving the same old cycle but in a different circumstance. Reboot. Everything is falling apart: your plans fail, your heart torn into a million pieces, and when the most practical solution is to just quit, breathe. Reboot. When everyone says that they want you to succeed but innately wishes you otherwise, breathe. People will judge you superficially. They can’t wait to cause hell. But just breathe.

In the end, you still go on. You’re still alive. Torn and defeated but nonetheless breathing. Show them that you’re breathing with a smirk on your face and let them have a piece of what they don’t expect. Just breathe.

wonderfully loved.

I was having a really frustrating day today (since every little thing pops up even when I don’t ask them to), and conversations even when they come from the most unlikely person soothe me, calm me. more so, because they come at a right time when i am in need of reassurances.

He just did that today. I pushed him away so many times yet he manages to be there when I need to forget this doubtful feeling that things will change.

He comically sang along to these songs right at the moment when all I wanted was to scream, burst into tears. Here is my happy ending for today. This, I owe to him today.

…if i never get to heaven then at least i will have known
i had an angel here on earth that i could call my very own
and if the world should end tomorrow
girl this much i know is true
i have found my piece of heaven the day that i found you…

…oh, when your cold
I’ll be there to hold you tight to me
When your on the outside baby and you can’t get in
I will show you, your so much better than you know
When your lost, when your alone and you can’t get back again
I will find you darling I’ll bring you home…

open.

There is no reason to stay anymore. Not when you’re starting to pretend that there is something to hold on to for much longer. Maybe it’s  an unconscious effort that I was teaching myself to let go, and learn to open up to someone who has shown all efforts that he can care more than I can care about myself. I have to forgive myself wanting to be in a relationship that existed because I thought I was needed in as much as the context of the word care and love borders. But I was needed for a different reason.

I am as much in awe as people are on why I ever did fall for him. Looking back, everyday I wished that things will be different. But life has a way of hitting me on the head, letting me wake up to things that hurt me. The biggest person I had to battle was myself. And I hated it.

In spite of the endless versus-introspection, I am going to start being selfish by loving myself even more. And I’m learning this through people who do care about me as much as I care about them. I love love people who can make me smile and laugh. I’m opening up.

in a heartbeat.

i hate having you in the same position i hate you being in. you sit there while trying to hold my hand, trying to understand my complications even when i don’t deserve it. you offer your heart without conditions, taking a risk loving a broken me. i try so hard to close my eyes, willing myself to realize you’re better for me in as much as people see you are a good guy, and i realize how much i’m pretending to want something i am unable to love — for now.