Let me tell you something you already know. The world ain’t all sunshine and rainbows. It is a very mean and nasty place, and I don’t care how tough you are, it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me or nobody is going to hit as hard as life. But it ain’t about how hard you hit, it is about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward, how much you can take and keep moving forward. That’s how winning is done! Now, if you know what you’re worth, then go out and get what you’re worth. But you gotta be willing to take the hit, and not pointing fingers saying you ain’t where you are because of him, or her, or anybody. Cowards do that and that ain’t you. You’re better than that! I’m always gonna love you, no matter what. No matter what happens. You’re my son, you’re my blood. You’re the best thing in my life. But until you start believing in yourself, you ain’t gonna have a life.
– Rocky Balboa
I guess the most hurtful of tears, when you’re the kind of person as I am, is that which flows to make you choose to let go or reserve one more chance while he stands there, unable to speak out, trying to hug away the pain and anger. You turn inept to will the tears to just stop; begging them to not make yourself more vulnerable than you already are. However, your efforts fail.
You’re afraid to ask the question. The sobs fill the void. Flashbacks keep reeling in while you try to figure out if he still loves you.
Detachments, he said. The power in the relationship lies in who is better at detachments. He was better at detaching. I was most content doing the opposite, because I value the relationship – something built from the merging of strangeness. I was happiest belonging to someone who I now doubt loved back. Unconsciously, he was teaching me but I was too oblivious. This is what I get from allowing myself to give more than he can return.
I guess while the tears flowed freely, him trying to hug them away, I wonder when will the pain stop? When will I allow myself to not find myself curled up and move on?
You know what they say when it’s easier said than done. This couldn’t be any much more nailed to the point. You convince yourself he’s not worth it. But when you’re hurt, it stays on. Hurt hurts. No matter how much we remedy it.