the jerks you meet.

In life you’ll meet a lot of jerks. If they hurt you, tell yourself that it’s because they’re stupid. That will help keep you from reacting to their cruelty. Because there is nothing worse than bitterness and vengeance… Always keep your dignity and be true to yourself.

~ “Persopolis: The Story of Childhood,” Marjane Satrapi

RED.

how do you say stop? get lost? mind your own business? leave me alone?

the main reason why i created this blog in the first place was because i wanted to move on. yet i move back, sometimes with a blind optimism that things can get better if we could at least try one more time. but that trying, that believing that we had a chance, turned out to be mine alone.

when i am at lost for words while i’m drowning in emotions, i get to backread the posts which entirely screams him. and i hate that feeling of melancholy; that feeling of regret whereas i could’ve made it easier for myself when i could just made the decision to let go. it feels like i’ve chained myself and consciously lost the key – for whatever sense that would make.

i’ve been forewarned about being in this situation: this being destroyed by an individual who, ironically, i once allowed to take the biggest part of my life. i think this is what happens to people who stayed guarded their first few tries in relationships but then end up being broken after all. to the number of questions as to how it could end so badly, i just couldn’t provide any single answer. the questions nag on; they even linger even when i  fall asleep. so much for being tagged as a smart girl and for a smart girl, i’m quite good at being stupid.

and being stupid means still entertaining the thought that maybe if i could’ve done this or that, things could’ve turned out for the better. it’s a screwed up thought especially when you’ve endured so much offense you have sworn never to make in replacement to your stronger sense of self. it’s ridiculously inappropriate at this point in time.

i wish there could be an easiest way to say stop and actually mean it. not like some traffic light which gives us how to lead our ways with options. just stop. the end ends here.