if a girl understands your bullshit, sticks around through all your mistakes, and smiles even though you’ve done nothing for her, it’s obvious she’s a keeper and it’s also obvious that you don’t deserve her.
the ache for getting you back still lives. i mourn each day. i cry each day. even if i’m not supposed to at this point in time. you have left a remarkable emptiness in my heart and i don’t know how i am going to fill it up with the life i once had.
i now know that you were the life i was looking forward to. yet i still managed to turn my back on. i need you now. badly. i want what happiness feels like with even the mere sight of you.
and i still hold on to memories that will never happen.
i don’t want the world. i learned it the hard way. i wish i could go back. i am desperate to undo things. it’s too late to say things like love and need when i’ve been too much of a hypocrite to not care. i want you. and you alone can suffice this emptiness that i now feel. and you alone can heal my loneliness.
i don’t want the world darling. i am not one of those people i thought i was and i thought i will turn out to be. there’s this cosmic pull in the world that falls upon people who want everything: people who want everything will only end up with empty things. i used to be people of that kind. i now know that i can’t love the world. not for its entirety. my heart can recognize poetry, music and nature to love, and you entirely. and there i rest in contentment. you, for my world’s absoluteness, is more than enough.
i wanted to say happy birthday to you today. like those replays i had in my mind when i used to still dream of you. but all i have on my palm, are these regrets.
and im sorry. i realized that too late.
That is the saddest part when you lose someone you love – that person keeps changing. And later you wonder, Is this the same person I lost? Maybe you lost more maybe less, then thousand different things that come from your memory or imagination – and you do not know which is which, which was true, which is false.
~ “The Kitchen God’s Wife,” by Amy Tan
you were right. you didn’t push me at all. you just built a ledge for me to step on and nudge me just enough so i could take the dive. and i dived. til i sunk deep. then deeper. fighting my way up the surface.
it’s funny how you easily forget things. and that’s okay. it’s as okay as everything you have always been which i adoringly doubted you to be. yet you proved everyone right.
for what it’s worth, you still have your ego intact. i’m just not sure when did it ever burst. and oh, that guilt you so painstakingly wanted to get rid of, i’m telling you it wasn’t there. you can be with anyone who’ll find you suitably fuckable.
at the end of the day darling, you were just that lesson i need to learn. i’m a big, big girl now. nothing will ever surprise me at all. you were as predictable as you pointed me out to be. and when there’s nothing left to lose, there’s only room to get stronger.
Honestly and without excuses,
How many times have you said you were done?
How many times have you threatened to leave me?
How many times have you liked other people?
How many times have you intentionally hurt me to get my attention?
How many times have you played the victim?
How many times have you treated me in ways I didn’t deserve?
How many times have you called me nasty names to yourself?
How many times have you tested me?
How many times have you used “comfort” as an excuse to be with other people?
How many times have you categorized me with dumb fucks?
How many times have you fought me like I am the enemy?
How many times have you punished me for something I didn’t do?
How many times have you used a “relationship” to hold above my head?
How many times have I?