a relationship fails from the lies and the deceit and the betrayal and the hurt and the pain. there are no excuses, reasons, ways around it. both parties forget to recognize the effort, the trials, the fighting for one another. you forget that s/he has put up with all of your faults, your anger, your imperfections, your wishes, your ugly-parts-that-nobody-would-ever-accept. i never wanted to give up— in terms of on you. i never wanted to give up on you because i knew you in ways that you didn’t think i did. i knew your past, your secrets, your fears. you knew all of mine. we opened each other up and scrutinized and examined and took what we wanted and ran away with what only we needed. what you loved more than me hurt me constantly and instead of trying to make you change, i tried to adapt to them and in the process, lost myself and my morals, my priorities, my wants and needs. and in turn, i lost my way and didn’t consider how much it would affect you, took you for granted and thought you would always be my road map to finding myself over again and again. the moments of anguish, of frustration— all of the “why can’t you do this for me”s and “please.. at least try”s; i realize the one thing i hated most was the one thing you loved more. and i realized i allowed myself to put your happiness above my own instead of always telling you the truth.. but lying is never ever excused, either. and it sits here, in this room, it takes up so much space and i just watch it day to day wondering if life would have been better. if you would have ever put me above it. if i would have ever gotten better, with you if not, on my own. and i needed the space and time to think realistically.. if love wasn’t in the equation, what else was? if this was worth it.. what wasn’t? if i could allow myself to surrender to this.. when would i ever truly stand on my own two feet..
’ve seen way too much and wore my heart on my sleeve way too often to forget what it’s like to feel so fragile and impermanent. i’ve built cities from the depths of broken hearts only to watch as they burst into scintillating luster but i’m only human and humans try until they bleed or until life robs them of strength. i’m tired and my eyes are weak from the burning desire to see beyond the concrete truths. This is all that it’ll ever be, between you and i, me and the next, just like how it’s been with everyone else. i am that comfort, that change, that temporary escape; a distraction. i’ve accepted that a long time ago so I stopped hoping for things to be different. i’ll help you and i’ll hold your hands but when my time is up, i’ll be on my way again and i’m supposed to believe that it’s okay.
i need to learn to stop beating myself over things i did in the past. those who love me have forgiven me and i guess i need to do the same as well. move on.
you asked me if i miss you. my reply is this, “i don’t miss you, i miss the guy who used to call me every night, just to see how my day was. who told me his deepest, darkest secrets, the only one i trusted mine with. the guy who knew how to say sorry, the one who stood up for me, and the one who kept my name safe in his mouth. the guy that was my best friend… that’s the guy i miss. how could i miss you? i don’t even know you.”
there is no looking back. there is no looking back. There is no looking back.
there is no such thing as secrets. only hidden truths. those that we try to bury beneath layers of overbearing shallow aesthetic spectacles. waiting – anticipating – to be uncovered. for something or someone special to share them with.they’re there. on top of an open palm of everyone.
you just have to prove that you’re just as special as these truths. for someone so guarded, you just have to be worth it. and in that open, unreserved moment when all have been by its naked self, you just have to be there.
… this is how easy it is: i stopped, for the life out of me, thinking about you. even if it was hard. i stopped. little by little. shedding each piece of what you have shared with me, of what i shared with you.
there are far better things ahead than things we leave behind..
do me a favor and do the same: just stop.