i did not spend the last year trying to recover just to jump back into the same war that bled me dry. i did not gravel through the trenches of toxic burdens to dig deeper into my own coffin. the truths are revealed at such an overwhelming pace and holy shit am i tired. i’m tired of going to bed angry only to wake up livid. i’m tired of harboring so much negativity that it consumes me. i have fought so hard and surrendered so much of myself so when i left, i found the happy me. i knelt and picked up the broken pieces, waking up a year later only to end up with the same mess.
don’t treat me like i’m always second, the “just in case”, the substitution; do you realize how degrading that feels? could you fathom even the most simple concept of respect? i know too much to look at you with blind eyes or listen with absent ears. you came, you conquered, and you left when you were done because i was only the temporary replacement—the false warmth in the void of emptiness. it was all i was, i didn’t need anyone else to tell me that.
i admit, i am also to blame. i apologize for my naivety, for hoping that you wouldn’t hurt me again. i apologize for giving into my past feelings and for not opening my eyes sooner. i apologize not to you, because even to this day, i was honest. let me be, you owe me this much. and as for me, i can only do the same.
“Here. This is for you, just because”
Completely flustered and flushed in a pink tone of joy, due to the genuine act of kindness and love, you manage to mutter a short “awe, you shouldn’t have” through your trembling lips. These flowers now carry a whole new level of significance simply for the fact that it was from your lover. And so you nourish this token of love with the utmost fragility. You never forget to fill the vase with water and it has now become a beautiful center piece that ties your entire bedroom together like the final bow on any gift, completing the masterpiece.
Yet you find yourself spending most of your efforts struggling to keep these flowers alive because you couldn’t bare the thought of letting this token of love perish. What would it mean? That you failed what appears to be the easiest thing to handle? The idea pains you and you continue to fumble through the seconds that pass because you start to realize that it is inevitable. Everything dies.
Then you become the sole witness to such a beautiful death.
And this is the sad truth to all that lives.
maybe i’m still waiting for that one person who wants me enough and is bold enough to just do something about it. maybe i don’t want a patient person, or a quiet passive person, maybe i never did. i want to destroy all the lingering questions floating in the air because it becomes difficult to breathe when inhale nothing beyond unreasonable doubts. i’m naturally a hesitant person, regardless of what i feel or what i want so maybe that’s it. maybe i want someone who will stop trying to respect my fears and take me by surprise.