there are just moments when you just cry for no apparent reason. you couldn’t tell where it was coming from or why you are on that state. it just comes. the silence cradling you in stillness. the space hugging the void in, seeking protection. you don’t know whether to laugh at yourself or to cry even more. you can’t tell if you’re happy being alone or you just want the alone-ness to take pity on you.

who i am after you.

where we are is bad timing. where we were seemed have been buried so deep into the soil that i almost don’t remember how it was. i keep looking for moments that were long gone. that we try so hard to rekindle. what i want is to be somewhere where we don’t have to pretend to be strangers until we’re alone.  where you don’t have to be in another room so you could take a call. where we’re allowed to do every stupid little thing without having to offend anyone or thinking of excuses.

i miss being able to publicly be us without this conscious fear of crossing boundaries. since everything, i don’t remember the last time i have allowed anyone to get close as you did. i have been scared ever since. i have muted all my emotions; tucked them deep inside – even to you nowadays – believing they’ll be safer with me. i miss being completely myself – to love freely and unconditionally.

it is. forever will be. bad timing. i feel hidden. and i don’t know why.  i lost who i was before you, when i was with you, and became a scatter of hesitation.

it’s unfair to get to be a part of your world. knowing that it is only temporary. that it is never going to last. and everyday my heart gets broken. that it never ceases to break. because of the thing that i did. because of the wish i could have have.

i am still searching for who i am after you.