dear son,

i probably don’t deserve the life you have graciously given up for me.  or i’ve chosen to selfishly take back. i’m forever wounded, you must know that. i walk around feeling completely unable to steer clear of the past everyone has asked me never to look back at. how could i not? it was a minute greed that overpowered everything else; it never opted to leave a piece of me or you.

sometimes, when i think i’ve moved on, i feel like i’m repeating the betrayal. i took what should’ve been yours. you were probably the mistake that i was willing to live with but was too afraid to keep. and i can’t, for the life of me, be someone else without you.

You flew off with the wings of my heart and left me flightless

the ache for getting you back still lives. i mourn each day. i cry each day. even if i’m not supposed to at this point in time. you have left a remarkable emptiness in my heart and i don’t know how i am going to fill it up with the life i once had.

i now know that you were the life i was looking forward to. yet i still managed to turn my back on. i need you now. badly. i want what happiness feels like with even the mere sight of you.

and i still hold on to memories that will never happen.


i don’t want the world. i learned it the hard way. i wish i could go back. i am desperate to undo things. it’s too late to say things like love and need when i’ve been too much of a hypocrite to not care. i want you. and you alone can suffice this emptiness that i now feel. and you alone can heal my loneliness.

i don’t want the world darling. i am not one of those people i thought i was and i thought i will turn out to be. there’s this cosmic pull in the world that falls upon people who want everything: people who want everything will only end up with empty things. i used to be people of that kind. i now know that i can’t love the world. not for its entirety. my heart can recognize poetry, music and nature to love, and you entirely. and there i rest in contentment. you, for my world’s absoluteness, is more than enough.

i wanted to say happy birthday to you today. like those replays i had in my mind when i used to still dream of you. but all i have on my palm, are these regrets.

and im sorry. i realized that too late.