that friend.

The worst thing in life is to lose a friend. A friend that means the world to you, a friend that you put all your trust and faith in, a friend that you believed in from the start, a friend that took the center of your heart, a friend that you’d die for, a friend that you wanted to cherish for a lifetime, a friend, a good friend, a best friend.

wonderfully loved.

I was having a really frustrating day today (since every little thing pops up even when I don’t ask them to), and conversations even when they come from the most unlikely person soothe me, calm me. more so, because they come at a right time when i am in need of reassurances.

He just did that today. I pushed him away so many times yet he manages to be there when I need to forget this doubtful feeling that things will change.

He comically sang along to these songs right at the moment when all I wanted was to scream, burst into tears. Here is my happy ending for today. This, I owe to him today.

…if i never get to heaven then at least i will have known
i had an angel here on earth that i could call my very own
and if the world should end tomorrow
girl this much i know is true
i have found my piece of heaven the day that i found you…

…oh, when your cold
I’ll be there to hold you tight to me
When your on the outside baby and you can’t get in
I will show you, your so much better than you know
When your lost, when your alone and you can’t get back again
I will find you darling I’ll bring you home…

open.

There is no reason to stay anymore. Not when you’re starting to pretend that there is something to hold on to for much longer. Maybe it’s  an unconscious effort that I was teaching myself to let go, and learn to open up to someone who has shown all efforts that he can care more than I can care about myself. I have to forgive myself wanting to be in a relationship that existed because I thought I was needed in as much as the context of the word care and love borders. But I was needed for a different reason.

I am as much in awe as people are on why I ever did fall for him. Looking back, everyday I wished that things will be different. But life has a way of hitting me on the head, letting me wake up to things that hurt me. The biggest person I had to battle was myself. And I hated it.

In spite of the endless versus-introspection, I am going to start being selfish by loving myself even more. And I’m learning this through people who do care about me as much as I care about them. I love love people who can make me smile and laugh. I’m opening up.

circling

Sometimes it is in the friendship we nurture with other people that we learn how to value ourselves. It gives a much deeper meaning to the concept of love. It’s a good, honest assessment on how much we’ll turn out for the better rather than keep falling apart for someone. It makes you forget why you’re hurting too much. It’s a soothing balm when you’re at your most heartbreaking episode.

I am in love with my friends. And I take comfort in the fact that even if I’m at my foolest love-spelled state, they manage to still be there and catch me no matter how high I fell.

unhappy til he..

and then someone said the most beautiful thing…

…I’m going to hold your hand, warm the coldness that you feel til it goes away.

I’m going to be right beside you, keep you in place, keep you company until that restlessness you feel will be replaced by calmness.

I’m going to be there even when you ask me to leave you alone. I’m going to stand in the shadows and will walk away only if I feel that you’re really okay.

I’m going to be there, always, even when you’re still thinking of him.

i promise ill be better

a conversation last night:

I’m fine

no you’re not. Stop saying you’re fine. I know you’re lying. And you were never good at that.

really.

exactly. Liar.

I’m better.

All the more reason I don’t want to believe you.

Promise.

Look I’m not asking you to let me stay. Because I’m staying whether you like it or not. Stop pushing me away. I am staying. I’m not going anywhere.

I’m not.

You’re not you anymore. I hate you.

People change, I guess.

Defensive.

It’s true.

Stubborn idiot.

Look who’s talking.

Did i mention i hate him.

yep. i stopped counting after 10. haha .i’m okay. stop worrying.

I need you back. You’re lousy at lying. You’re lousy at pretending. You wear your heart on your sleeve. You smile like nothing’s happening to you but your eyes give away that sadness. I hate looking at you like that. I hate hearing you. Stop being broken.

I am responsible for my own loneliness.

What happened to the girl I knew before? You’re made of stronger stuff.

Ouch.

just be okay. i need you back. even if it means having to grab you by hair and yanking you out of that damn hole.

Ouch. Two times. I promise I’ll be better.

shut up.

I promise I’ll be better.

I miss you.

I miss you too

Why does it feel like he took you away from me and I can’t get you back?

It’s nothing. It’s just a temporary glitch. It’ll pass. Promise.

:’c

melted..

Just today, he sent me a message.

Melted. He sees through me.Through the pretentious smile that he knows too well. Through the seeming calmness I share with other people. Through the prepared script I give when people ask me how well I’m doing.

He sees me. Then he saves me. The best he could. The best he know he could. Even if I’m in denial of a rescue.

He scares me sometimes. Because I know I could not return how he feels towards me. Til this day, he makes me feel like he’ll always be there.  Always seem to be a feeble concept. Yet he has been in spite of a hopeless perseverance to make me be his. If only it was easy. If only we could choose to who to love.

He said: “I can’t promise to fix all your problems, but I promise you won’t have to face them alone.” Even if these were mere words sent, they are reassuring. And this is simply making me melt.

i need you to come get me

At the end of the day, when it comes down to it, all we really want is to be close to somebody. So this thing, where we all keep our distance and pretend not to care about each other, is usually a load of bull. So we pick and choose who we want to remain close to, and once we’ve chosen those people, we tend to stick close by. No matter how much we hurt them, the people that are still with you at the end of the day – those are the ones worth keeping. And sure, sometimes close can be too close. But sometimes, that invasion of personal space, it can be exactly what you need.

— Meredith, Grey’s Anatomy