i had you. i had us.
i held, tightly as i could
because you asked,
even when everyone have asked me not to.
even when i told myself not to.
i would’ve held, just as tightly as I could,
but you should give me more reason to
other than you so say.
i may be the girl who does not give up easily
but that doesn’t change that I hurt as easily
– even if it’s the most trivial thing.
i am selfish.
you and me.
no one else.
i want no one else.
It’s easiest to slowly let go when you realize that there’s nothing left to hold on to. The insincerity piles up making you wonder if he has been otherwise at all throughout the entire relationship. He promises. He apologizes. Each time. But they’re mere words. Pointing to reasons that are neither significant or debatable at all.
He expects too much – a product of making him get used to my understanding him too much. He expects that I’ll still be there for him after he decided to leave; asking for one more chance. I gave in countless of times til it ran out; til I had no reasons to believe him anymore. And all that is left is the wonder if he has ever been committed at all.
Looking back, falling out of love was rather easy. It is the decision to stop making excuses for second chances that was hard. It is not that he was giving up on me (as he often swears and for which I was so often blamed for), it is him giving all the reasons why I should give up on him.
Stop saying that you love me, that there’s a big a part of you that does not want to let go of me – reeling me in when I have decided that I’m moving on. How could you say those things when every thing that pops up says otherwise? Then you provide this void that’s hurtful to bear; that I’m too anxious to hear the answers to. Those are not the words I need right now.
I miss loving you with that amazing completeness I shared with you.
I can’t love you with these broken pieces.
When you’re a little kid you’re a bit of everything; Scientist, Philosopher, Artist. Sometimes it seems like growing up is giving these things up one at a time.
— The Wonder Years