sole witness.

“Here. This is for you, just because”

Completely flustered and flushed in a pink tone of joy, due to the genuine act of kindness and love, you manage to mutter a short “awe, you shouldn’t have” through your trembling lips. These flowers now carry a whole new level of significance simply for the fact that it was from your lover. And so you nourish this token of love with the utmost fragility. You never forget to fill the vase with water and it has now become a beautiful center piece that ties your entire bedroom together like the final bow on any gift, completing the masterpiece.

Yet you find yourself spending most of your efforts struggling to keep these flowers alive because you couldn’t bare the thought of letting this token of love perish. What would it mean? That you failed what appears to be the easiest thing to handle? The idea pains you and you continue to fumble through the seconds that pass because you start to realize that it is inevitable. Everything dies.

Then you become the sole witness to such a beautiful death.

And this is the sad truth to all that lives.

yours..

I cant figure out whats worse, having to know every single detail of your desperate love for some other woman, or having to know that you obviously didn’t even come close to feeling the same way about me.

Kate Hudson, Alex & Emma


….It’s not up to me anymore. If you want me in your life, you’ll find a way to put me there.

I think part of the reason why we hold on to something so tight, for so long, is because we fear something so great will never happen again.

I left you because you couldn’t give me what I wanted.. and funnily enough, it turns out you are also the only one who could…


better today

and for once in your life, you need to walk away and suffer the loneliness.. because you believe that one day in the far and distant future, you’ll be happy. and not so cracked and broken anymore. and you won’t cry anymore. and when you smile, it won’t be a façade- it will be real. and that empty heart-shaped black hole in your chest will slowly fade back to a healthy pink color. and you’ll know that all the pain, all the sadness, everything you feel when you’re crying yourself to sleep.. it’s gone. and you’re stronger for it.

but until then, it’s going to hurt.. and you’re going to cry. and it’s going to continue to be the worst times of your life. and you’re going to wonder how long it’s going to take. and you will fake that smile until your face hurts. and you will drink until you forget. and then you will remember in the morning. and every day, it will hit you like a ton of bricks. and every night, you will wonder where he is, and what he is doing, and if he’s thinking about you too. and you will cry, you will cry, you will cry until you think you’re out of tears. but they will continue to fall…

Girl on the Moon

sunlight..

the flowers began to fall
From the grasp of the sun
In spite of its plea for chances
That they have doubted to come.
Their stems slowly unattach
In spite of the love that has grown
Now surrendered to the promises
That has long said adieu.
Their senescence willed them to wither
Amidst the thriving awakened sun
With an unconcious permission
To kiss them by its toxic rays
That always possessed to stay
However it could be done
Unmindful of the flaws that tag along
Resulting to the suffocation of a spirit.
With the death of the flowers’ beauty
Came the regret of the sun’s bounty
Damned to watch growth and death by its rays
Yet,
It only yearned to caress the earth’s warmth
And by its kiss,
came the overwhelming realization
That it has the power to create a life
With the inevitable curse of witnessing death
By which it is also its doing.

..us..

At some point, we weren’t just together. We became something that everyone knew about, and was happy to see happening. We were so known for being in our relationship, that it made it hard for us to be in love and go through tough times without the world watching every moment.

I miss the days when the only people that knew we were in love were us.

great expectations

I expect too much. from you, from me, from the world. I expect too much, but too much by their standards not mine. What I expect, what I need, what I know can and will happen, is not too much, but just enough.

We are so much more. So much more than everyone says that we are and can be. What they tell me is beauty and joy isn’t enough for me.

I must and will have more. And I will because the little gap in my heart that causes me so much pain, the skip in the record that needs to be filled, gives me room to find the extraordinary. And I will. My heart will feel more than you ever thought a heart can feel and my mind will see things that no one even knew existed: the little gossamer threads that tie life together, and which, if you don’t look carefully enough, you will miss as you see things moving in space and not the ties that bind them.

just watch me.

closure.finally.

We grew up. We grew apart. That’s the only explanation I could give him. I knew that we weren’t able to sustain a relationship when we were far apart.

I knew he was coming home. He always do at this time of the year (aside from christmas). I have always been aware of it. He calls to tell me he’s here and to ask me if it was okay to see me. Each time he did, I consciously tried to make an excuse not to because I was still not ready to ask him what I learned at the later year of our relationship and I was still unprepared to really know what really went on with our three-year-old relationship. This went on for more than a year. Sure there were occasional texts, missed calls from him, and emails I never really got a chance to accept because all I could think about is moving on and escaping from his infidelity. All I could think about is going forward, fix the broken pieces.

I don’t think I was able to fix the broken pieces because subconsciously I knew I was missing a piece. I allowed that piece to keep its place and it unceasingly bore resentment towards him, towards myself and commitment in general. Until we were able to finally talk four days ago and acknowledge the fact that sooner or later we need to give each other the closure that should have happened more than a year ago.

My decision to finally cave in to meeting him wasn’t borne out of being hung over him, it was mostly about finally being fair for both of us. It was time. Time for both of us to move on and lead each other away from our past. Time to allow ourselves become happy for each other and renew our friendship. Time that allowed us to accede that we aren’t really made to be lovers. It was time to acknowledge our maturity towards dealing our new status to one another.

I loved him. I love him. I will always love him. The inconsistencies may be unabiding to the rules of romantic relationships but he will always have those feelings from me. I learned much from my relationship with him. I grew up because of him. I attained some maturity as we nurtured as well as neglected each other. That was how helpful we have been to each other. I loved him for the man who once loved me. I love him for what he has overcome. And I will always love him for the friendship he has agreed to have with me.

There may have been pain within the process that led us to finally have a conversation without the malice and what-have-you-done and it’s-all-your-fault and if-loved-me-you-should’ve-have-not-hurt-me-this-much brouhahahaha, but it was all worth it. I dare say it was all worth. Because when we finally met, I knew where I stood and where he stood.

And I understood. He understood. The past didn’t matter anymore. Then we headed different directions. As Friends. Surprisingly sufficient for both of us.

heartbroken ramblings

i have my heart in my hand
open, with unbleeding skin
in need of nothing
but time to fuse it back together
i said i was over it
i started counting the days until forever
like any one hurt must do if time is to be their compass
i started to walk away, walking away
trusting the advice of broken men
because who knows better what not love

In theory, I am unbreakable
yet i like to make the pain linger
breaking the fragile heart in pieces
i practice each day,
deciding not to love anymore
to spare myself one more of the lingering pains
that tie to the totem pole
of desiring what i could not have
of wishing what is forbidden
i don’t know how to stop
i am attracted to self destruction
men are lured to my loneliness
i can only offer them a broken heart
pretending that it’s whole once again
constantly praying that i may find
a permanent drug for killing the pain
men are little gods i put on a totem pole
with recurring images of the love
i was only accustomed to
– betrayed, disloyal –
and all the dead things that make us alive
create my abstract masterpiece
a shrewd sense of who i should be with..

WANTED: HIM AND ME…

I am hurting. I am crying. There are one of two things that make me cry these days, for over a year, it’s either because of him or because I love him. Either way, they still have the same effect.

It’s embarassing when I tell my friends that’s its okay, that I’m strong enough to let go, that this time it’s definite but ultimately I do otherwise. I’m not okay til he tells me everything’s okay. I’m not strong enough to let him go because when I look at it, I am hopeful that things will work out and fall back into place. When I try to look at it, every heartache can be mended, every tear wiped can only be done through him. The only person who I had intense feeling for. He can cause so much to hurt me but he still can heal the pain. He’s my remedy. My addiction. The love of my life.

There’s little to be done when I can’t look at the broken pieces. Because  I am stubborn to still hope. To still love. To still be his. To choose to leave the broken pieces, wishing he’ll fix them.

I am crying. I am hurting. Does he care? I don’t know. But I do know I still love him.

CLOSING CYCLES (PAULO COELHO)

Let things go. Release them. Detach yourself from them. Nobody plays this life with marked cards, so sometimes we win and sometimes we lose. Do not expect anything in return, do not expect your efforts to be appreciated, your genius to be discovered, your love to be understood. Stop turning on your emotional television to watch the same program over and over again, the one that shows how much you suffered from a certain loss: that is only poisoning you, nothing else.

Nothing is more dangerous than not accepting love relationships that are broken off, work that is promised but there is no starting date, decisions that are always put off waiting for the ideal moment. Before a new chapter is begun, the old one has to be finished: tell yourself that what has passed will never come back. Remember that there was a time when you could live without that thing or that person. Nothing is irreplaceable. A habit is not a need . This may sound so obvious, it may even be difficult, but it is very important.

Closing cycles. Not because of pride, incapacity or arrogance, but simply because that no longer fits your life. Shut the door, change the record, clean the house, shake off the dust. Stop being who you were, and change into who you are.

One always has to know when a stage comes to an end. If we insist on staying longer than the necessary time, we lose the happiness and the meaning of the other stages we have to go through.

Closing cycles, shutting doors, ending chapters whatever name we give it, what matters is to leave in the past the moments of life that have finished. Did you lose your job? Has a loving relationship come to an end? Did you leave your parents’ house? Gone to live abroad? Has a long-lasting friendship ended all of a sudden?

You can spend a long time wondering why this has happened. You can tell yourself you won’t take another step until you find out why certain things that were so important and so solid in your life have turned into dust, just like that.

But such an attitude will be awfully stressing for everyone involved: your parents, your husband or wife, your friends, your children, your sister, everyone will be finishing chapters, turning over new leaves, getting on with life, and they will all feel bad seeing you at a standstill.

None of us can be in the present and the past at the same time, not even when we try to understand the things that happen to us. What has passed will not return: we cannot for ever be children, late adolescents, sons that feel guilt or rancor towards our parents, lovers who day and night relive an affair with someone who has gone away and has not the least intention of coming back.

Things pass, and the best we can do is to let them really go away. That is why it is so important (however painful it maybe!) to destroy souvenirs, move, give lots of things away to orphanages, sell or donate the books you have at home. Everything in this visible world is a manifestation of the invisible world, of what is going on in our hearts and getting rid of certain memories also means making some room for other memories to take their place.

Let things go. Release them. Detach yourself from them. Nobody plays this life with marked cards, so sometimes we win and sometimes we lose. Do not expect anything in return, do not expect your efforts to be appreciated, your genius to be discovered, your love to be understood. Stop turning on your emotional television to watch the same program over and over again, the one that shows how much you suffered from a certain loss: that is only poisoning you, nothing else.

Nothing is more dangerous than not accepting love relationships that are broken off, work that is promised but there is no starting date, decisions that are always put off waiting for the ideal moment. Before a new chapter is begun, the old one has to be finished: tell yourself that what has passed will never come back. Remember that there was a time when you could live without that thing or that person. Nothing is irreplaceable. A habit is not a need . This may sound so obvious, it may even be difficult, but it is very important.

Closing cycles. Not because of pride, incapacity or arrogance, but simply because that no longer fits your life. Shut the door, change the record, clean the house, shake off the dust. Stop being who you were, and change into who you are.

notice to the public

sand_hands_by_libbie_tee

The problem with romantic relationships, no matter how committed  or how pretty the partner is or how good looking the couple make, is that the attraction eventually fades.

Sad but true.

Love becomes a confusing, even vague , concept (am i still? or i fell out of it?). It’s a three-way tug of war between holding on, letting go, and giving up. Eventually, what will matter most is if the decision you’ll make will all be worth it in the end.

In the end, keeping your relationship is a conscious decision to know what is most important. You create your own definition of happiness. Nobody will ever account for it but yourself. But remember this: not everything is meant to be but everything is worth try.

I should know because I have been in several situations where I decided for my own happiness.

Here’s a nice anecdote to put this is in perspective.  Whoever the author is, I’m sorry for taking the liberty to publish it.

The sand taught me one thing:

“You can’t hold too many things, no matter what you do to make them stay. So learn to let go and choose carefully which you want to stay, because like the sand, only those which are in the center of your palm will last.”

Hmmm….