blagh!

From our last conversation, I regret sending him the message that might have insulted him to which he asked a question I’ve chosen to better leave unanswered rather than respond with something triggered by my yet unsubdued resentment towards him. I realized that remaining silent will pacify everything and decrease the growing anger that was threatening to make me fall apart (and I’ve gone past this stage).

I didn’t mean the words to be articulated the way they did. But being hurt hurts and when I’m forced to deal with it, the outcome is more damaging than it already was. For someone with whom you share an intense feeling, anger is more elevated which overshadows the love that binds you together. This is how insane our relationship is. Being hurt changes the dynamics, making it worse.

Sometimes we talk about how people see him as a failure, how when everything doesn’t go well as he planned or hoped for. I know the feeling too well enough to not care about people’s thoughts. And even in my knowing, it doesn’t lessen being hurt for him and care about him. Because I know that he has beautiful plans and that he is capable of making them.

When some people prefer to easily hate him for failing and then celebrating it with i-told-you-so’s, I sit behind the crowd cheering him on and admire his courage to stick around even when everything falls apart. It’s a silent encouragement just to show I’ll always be there for him especially in down times. It’s such a pleasure to see when he stands up with a smile on his face. Even more when I see people wonder why he’s still smiling. I have come to realize that I will never hate him for failing. I love him more for trying.

He thinks it’s easy to move on, advising me to look for someone so forgetting can be much easier. Delivering an utterly crappy excuse that I deserve more than we have now, someone better. I know I deserve much better. I recognize the fact that I was in a much more secured relationships  than what we have. But I am not a smart girl, I do not need to wise up. I act on what I feel and the reason why I stayed for this long is because I felt I didn’t want more than him but more of him, more from him.

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saudade

This is what I define you. You are. Will always be.

Tenho Saudades Tuas

Saudade [sɐ.uˈda.ðɨ]  is a Portuguese and Galician word for a feeling of nostalgic longing for something or someone that one was fond of and which is lost. It often carries a fatalist tone and a repressed knowledge that the object of longing might really never return.

It has hasbeen described as a “vague and constant desire for something that does not and probably cannot exist … a turning towards the past or towards the future”.

Saudade was once described as “the love that remains” or “the love that stays” after someone is gone. Saudade is the recollection of feelings, experiences, places or events that once brought excitement, pleasure, well-being, which now triggers the senses and makes one live again. It can be described as an emptiness, like someone that should be there in a particular moment is missing, and the individual feels this absence. In Portuguese, ‘Tenho Saudades Tuas’, translated as ‘I have Saudades of you’ means ‘I miss you’, but carries a stronger tone.

~ Wikipedia

goodbye hello

I keep wishing that he’ll have more room to spare to acknowledge the relationship every time he asks for another chance. I keep looking for the person that he was, for the person he promises to be, but I keep failing myself.

We’ve had to say goodbye one too many times more than we have liked but somehow something draws us back together. And no matter how many times we have to say it and do it even if its for a greater good, it still stings – every time. And every time it happens, I always hope it lasts til there’s no more to look forward to.

It isn’t easy being with someone who says words that calms you and then take it all back. It isn’t reassuring to be in a relationship where you feel left out when you have thought you have a fresh start.  It isn’t comforting to have to be the one in the relationship to involuntary understand why he forgets some things you need to abate the insecurities.

Oddly enough, I realized that either one of us doesn’t want to let go.  It’s either one of us simply push things aside and leave it for later – hoping that one has found the courage to walk away and not look back. And when later turns to now, the same cycle starts and someone ends hurting all over again.

I long for the spaces in between what we have now and what we had before. Back to when little changes drew us together rather than made us further apart. Right now, I hate missing the person I was very deeply connected with.

This long silence may have its place now in between us. Until one of us learn not to say hello again. I’ll go on with my life, but not without a loneliness that’s too heartbreaking to define.

wordless

I often find it hard to cope with the days when words are not enough. I can say I love you and I do. I can say I adore you and I do. I can tell you that you are precious to me and you are. But on the days when words are not enough, I would like to reach out and gently brush my fingertips across your cheek. On the days when words are not enough, I would like to kiss you softly and gently. On the days when words are not enough, I would like to wrap my arms around you and never let you go. Only then, when I can hold your hand will I feel that maybe, just maybe, you can see how much you mean to me.

a prince in a panda suit (?)

This was an old post I published in a social networking site more than a year ago:

I am not the easiest person to fall in love with. I am the girl who walks out on everything.
I am no Cinderella. I am not part of any fairy tale. I am not the kind of girl who awaits for her prince to gallop to her rescue.
My world does not revolve around princes in their gallant costumes. I am not impressed by chivalry (it’s because of how hypocritical it all seem to me). I am not the kind of girl who appreciates extravagant, luxurious things. I’ll choose the simplest things over them. I don’t want to be swept off my feet by some strong muscled rescuer.
I am very much the girl who’s in love with her solitude; who’s devoted to finding out  the real essence of why I am alive in this lifetime and why I am not dead; who’s real happiness lie on the most trivial things; who’s real heartache is not being able to afford to love or being loved or giving the love back…
I am no princess. I do not look for any kind of any handsome prince. This was never my longing… Only a far away dream (isn’t it that love make dreamers out of us all). No longer, I guess. c”,)
Princess or not. Life will never allow us to pause and pick the most beautiful of roses, at least the ones that we were taught to love.
Because in this near me thought (no longer the far away thought, ha ha), someone has redefined a prince after all – dressed as a panda (in my thought anyway), adorable as its comparison – someone who makes me feel unafraid of afterthoughts, someone who makes sense of the uncertainty…
Hmmm… maybe, i found my prince after all… and gawd, how i feel like a princess (scary!) c”,)
Just because…
Hmmmm…

I was so in love then. I really thought he was what I thought he was. That has been always my problem:  fall in love with an idea then fill the ellipses with thoughts that can easily have my heart broken then giving him another chance.

We had one of those arguments again. Accusations at a high speed. He being with someone else under the pretense that it was better for the relationship – our hide-and-seek relationship. I think he didn’t really understand what he’s putting me through.  The waiting. The patience. Rationalizing. These things don’t make any difference.  It always ends up the same, and he doesn’t bother to heal what’s obvious. I think what made the situation worse is I let him and I still let him.

The second chances. The hope that maybe he had changed. The fairy tale that he’ll choose me and then we go off to the sunset and be happy. But these utopian thoughts are slowly becoming a desperate plea to notice what is already factual.

He said he misses me. Then he berated me about having another man. How can he miss someone he doesn’t trust and then goes around town manifesting how he missed HER?  He’s confused. Or am I confused? Either, the result always comes back unsatisfactorily. And I being the recipient of all the heartache.

yours..

I cant figure out whats worse, having to know every single detail of your desperate love for some other woman, or having to know that you obviously didn’t even come close to feeling the same way about me.

Kate Hudson, Alex & Emma


….It’s not up to me anymore. If you want me in your life, you’ll find a way to put me there.

I think part of the reason why we hold on to something so tight, for so long, is because we fear something so great will never happen again.

I left you because you couldn’t give me what I wanted.. and funnily enough, it turns out you are also the only one who could…


i miss you…

Although it hurts. I can’t help it.

I miss you so much.
I miss everything about you.
I miss your scent.
I miss the way you hold my thumb when we’re walking.
I miss the yelling at you.
I miss the way you smile, every single different smile you have.
I miss your uncanny ability to make me smile, too.
I miss your fingers, with all of the scars of breaks and bruises.
I miss the way you breathe when you’re sleeping in my nook.
I miss the way you wake me up after an amazing sleep with a smile on your face, and determination to get me up as well.
I miss the twinkle in your eyes.
I miss the way you lay on my lap when you feel like cuddling, and tell me you won’t fall asleep, and then instantly do.
I miss feeling like somebody.
I miss asking you to go to the beach at night  just to look at the stars.
I miss the look on your face when you think I’m being sexy. It’s not subtle, and you make sure everyone notices it.
I miss the squint in your eyes.
I miss the way you tell me that you “have a secret” and then take it back.
I miss trying to figure out what those farts would be saying if they were words.
I miss holding you all the time.
I miss kissing you all the time.

I miss you, Panda.. 😦