huhumm.. :-/

Here you are

– hurting, waiting, wanting for something to change. You ask yourself about a hundred times, is it something you said? Maybe. And then you ask yourself a thousand more times, is it something you did? Possibly.

But in the end – yes. It’s always your fault, never ever his.

‘Cause you are settling with this mentality – it’s not you, it’s me. And you are willing to swallow your pride, than hurt his ego. And you choose not to break your silence, even though you know you are free to call him out on the bullshit he’s blatantly putting you through. But yet, you can’t find the courage in your heart and the wisdom in every fiber of your mind to simply – walk away. Why?

Here you are – this question must have crossed your mind more than a million times. ‘Cause for the seventh or eighth or maybe even the ninth time, you toss and turn in the middle of the dark night, in a dark silent room, listening to the rhythm of your own breath. You inhale, then exhale. You feel your heartbeat pulsating – in your wrist & on the tip of your fingers. Then the question once again arises in your mind that longs to rest. Why? Why can’t I let go?

Oftentimes we hold on to things that make us the happiest, give us the most bliss, things that makes our heart feel at ease. In contrary, the other times we hold on to things that does not always reciprocate us with something good. Gives us nothing but false hope and a cycle of reoccurring bullshit.

But even though that may be the standpoint, we continue believing one day, some day, somehow our patience, our willingness to endure and our days of hurting, of waiting, of wanting, we wake up to an end for all of those & a beginning of something better, something more.

And when that day comes, walking away and letting go would not once again cross our minds.


note to self:

By believing passionately in something that still does not exist, we create it. The nonexistent is whatever we have not sufficiently desired.

Franz Kafka

By believing passionately in something that still does not exist, we create it. The nonexistent is whatever we have not sufficiently desired.

crossing fingers

I wish I can foresee the future.

Sometimes, I can’t understand the concept of time. I just know that it’s there, it’s here, and it will forever be here. And in our lifetime, I have always been reminded to value it (but I tend to disregard it). Maybe it comes with my constant anxiety, my interminable need to know conclusions and resolutions; to get to the destination as fast as things are articulated.

But most of the time, I am at peace with the recognition that we can’t control time, but what we make of it is our call. Thing is, we can’t fast-forward time to know if our decision’s worth it. So we trust our hearts and hope it turns out right.

But it doesn’t hurt if I become clairvoyant even for just today.

the thing is..

to love life, to love it even
when you have no stomach for it
and everything you’ve held dear
crumbles like burnt paper in your hands,
your throat filled with the silt of it.
When grief sits with you, its tropical heat
thickening the air, heavy as water
more fit for gills than lungs;
when grief weights you like your own flesh
only more of it, an obesity of grief,
you think, how can a body withstand this?
Then you hold life like a face
between your palms, a plain face,
no charming smile, no violet eyes,
and you say, yes, I will take you
I will love you, again.

Ellen Bass, The Human Line

i will love you

Let me carry you back to
Where love awaits to understand you
in the hopes of saving you from your paralyzed truth
that bound you to this near-destruction of your humane existence
Heed not the warning of a loving heart
that cares for the resolution of your self-worth, your unaccountable worth
Know that I will love you with your flaws
Know that I will love you more than you’re able to love yourself
When the world would conspire to clip the wings that carry your ideals
I’ll be there to nurse them until they heal
Until the world comes to your understanding
that you have the power to become a part
of the whole that rejects your perspicacity
Not necessarily through your ideals
but through your intention to do well for others
In the meantime, I’ll be the absorbent of your thoughts
your audience for the conveyance of your wisdom,
the vessel to echo your  conviction
Soon enough, time will only be a fragment of an obsolete space
Everyone will eventually accept you
and your voice will have their eternal truth.

the last tear | michael jackson

Your words stabbed my heart, and I cried tears of pain. “Get out!” I shouted, “These are the last tears I’ll ever cry for you.” So you left.

I waited hours, but you didn’t return. That night by myself I cried tears of frustration.

I waited weeks but you had nothing to say. Thinking of your voice, I cried tears of loneliness.

I waited months, but you left no sign for me. In the depths of my heart, I cried tears of despair.

How strange that all these tears could not wash away the hurt! Then one thought of love pierced my bitterness. I remembered you in the sunlight, with a smile as sweet as May wine. A tear of gratitude started to fall and miraculously, you were back.  Soft fingers touched my cheek, and you bent over for a kiss.

“Why have you come?” I whispered.

“To wipe away your last tear,” you replied. “It was the last one you saved for me.”

– taken from “Dancing the Dream

by myself

I am lonely. Alone. People related to me tend to overlook that part of me. I stay quiet. Wallow silently. Appear like I have a life worth going. Act like the daughter, granddaughter, or niece everyone expected me to be. It’s the scrutiny of being under everyone’s utopia that breaks me. And sometimes, a minute miscalculated choice can sometimes condemn me for the rest of my life. And they’ll make sure I don’t forget it. Every day of my life.

Sometimes, when I sit in a corner and watch how freely my siblings can take charge of their choices and do whatever they please, I am envious. I desire how unrestricted they are on things that  when I was younger I often got in trouble for and occasionally being reminded of it.

It’s hard accepting to wise up, act mature. It’s harder deciding to be responsible for other people other than myself. Owning something that you were unprepared for. Being drawn into a glass house and feeling like a stranger in the inside looking out. Losing what you want for what they want.

Somewhat a spotlight has been lit over my head and I interrogate myself. Why I have never taught myself to be selfish? Why I’ve always put what others’ want before I want? Why do I feel like I’m still failing everybody else’s expectations? Why I’m stalling the dreams I had when I was younger? Why I’m so much yet so chained to the worst circumstances?

And then I end up with no answers. Just this echoing song in my head to endure what is fact: just one more day it says and all will be okay. Sometimes it hurts. Sometimes it doesn’t. Then I live life all over again.

rescue me

I regret  not leaving breadcrumbs when I left. It was an unwise decision not to. I wouldn’t be as lost as I’m feeling right now. If I had done otherwise, returning would be easier and going forward shouldn’t scare me.

It’s the uneasiness of being stationary, figuring a way out, that gets to me. I know I need some little bit of motion to be closer to where I should be or could have been. For now, it just stays a theory.

I cower at a corner, believing that the barren space is a shelter. And I’m alone. Deserted. Still hoping someone will come and find me.

I am still here. Rescue me.

come back to me

If you’re angry at a loved one, hug that person. And mean it. You may not want to hug – which is all the more reason to do so. It’s hard to stay angry when someone shows they love you, and that’s precisely what happens when we hug each other.

— Walter Anderson, The Confidence Course

Sometimes you have to test someone. Not cause you don’t trust them, but to see how much they’ll sacrifice for you. And sometimes you have to let them go; not cause you suddenly stopped loving them, but to see if they love you enough to come back.

in searching

All my life I had been looking for something, and everywhere I turned someone tried to tell me what it was. I accepted their answers too, though they were often in contradiction and even self-contradictory. I was naïve. I was looking for myself and asking everyone except myself questions which I, and only I, could answer. It took me a long time and much painful boomeranging of my expectations to achieve a realization that everyone else appears to have been born with: That I am nobody but myself. I don’t think I’m alone in this. The more I get to know other people, the more I realize it’s kind of everyone’s flaw. Staying exactly the same for as long as possible, standing perfectly still… It feels safer somehow. And if you are suffering, at least the pain is familiar. Because if you took that leap of faith, went outside the box, did something unexpected… Who knows what other pain might be out there, waiting for you. Chances are it could be even worse. You’re like a monkey bar and I held on. It was fun at first just hanging there, feet far off the ground, but then I started to get blisters, and my hands they started to sweat, and I started to slip, but I continued to hold on, adjusting my hands to make them stay, but eventually I figured out that it really was time to let go.

And I have come to the conclusion that I simply can’t do anything anymore to reverse this damage. It’s all a big mess and nothing can be fixed. Because no matter what I do, no matter how I try to deal with this problem, no matter what it doesn’t work. Irreversible damage, I guess that’s what you could call it. It’s at the point where I don’t even know what is right and what is wrong, what’s the right thing to do and what isn’t. Irreversible mess. I’m sorry. Not even entirely sure whose fault this is. Mine, probably. And well I’m sorry. I’m sorry I got too close. I’m sorry that it has caused so much pain, tears, jealousy, fights. I never meant for any of this. I’m sorry for everything. But you need to understand that I know it’s just not easy, forgetting about someone who has become so close to your heart especially if you  have something that binds you. And once again I am so sorry that it ever happened in the first place, but I can’t help it now. I feel that you can’t live without her, she’s one of  the people you can’t be without, and I need you to see that. And I need you to see that every time you choose her over me even though you say that you love me, it hurts – and it makes me pathetic. I hope you understand. Keep your mouth shut when I’m drunk. I hate the person I become when you’re not around. I like me better when we talk it all over. If there was ever a time I needed you, it’s right now. I believe in a long-winded mind. Most nights I putter out like an over-worked, under oiled engine, staring at a quivering candle, consciousness fading, as I slowly float to sleep. My distorted reality paints a wonderfully deranged pattern. Doubt does strange things to people like us. We hold each other tighter now that the news is in. You’re learning to live alone in a home full of holes with two good reasons to find hope. One of these days I’ll unwind this watch, and live for you and you alone. I don’t know what I want to do with my life. I just know I want to do it. I want to see my world. I want to meet every single person breathing on this earth. I want to give everyone a hug or a handshake, and I want to make someone’s life a little easier. I want to be different than the people I know because that’s what makes us beautiful. I want to be absolutely ridiculous before I die. I don’t want regrets. I want to stand for something.

Because sometimes there is no easy way out. You just have to grin and bear it. Sometimes the only escape route is to go straight through the flames, just brace yourself and bite your lip. Sometimes you have to sever the ties clean off. Because in every relationship there comes a point when the damage is too much and no matter how good it once was, the memories can’t sustain you. You have to save yourself knowing all the while it will hurt like hell. Because you can’t keep giving someone everything if you get nothing in return. Maybe it’s time to be clear about who I am. I am someone who is looking for love, real love. Ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming, can’t live without each other love. It’s so hard to describe. It’s not like love at first sight, really. It’s more like… gravity moves. When you see her, suddenly it’s not the earth holding you here anymore. It’s her. And nothing matters more than her. And you would do anything for her, be anything for her… you would become whatever she needs you to be; whether that’s a protector, or a lover, or a friend, or even a brother.

unrescue me..

I wasn’t looking. He just happened to be there. Patiently waiting, asking for nothing in return but for me to allow him to love me. I wasn’t prepared  – at least this soon.

This is a crucial transition for me. I was the one who loved too much, gave exceedingly and never expected in return but to be reassured. Thereafter, I became lost. Then when I was beginning to find my way out of that intricacy, hopeful I trace my way back, there he was, offering his hand to make the journey much easier. I am in the middle of nowhere and here he was revealing a passage way out. I am unworthy of such rescue.

And I am afraid.

…Because I know I can hurt him much more than I have hurt myself.

One month.