All my life I had been looking for something, and everywhere I turned someone tried to tell me what it was. I accepted their answers too, though they were often in contradiction and even self-contradictory. I was naïve. I was looking for myself and asking everyone except myself questions which I, and only I, could answer. It took me a long time and much painful boomeranging of my expectations to achieve a realization that everyone else appears to have been born with: That I am nobody but myself. I don’t think I’m alone in this. The more I get to know other people, the more I realize it’s kind of everyone’s flaw. Staying exactly the same for as long as possible, standing perfectly still… It feels safer somehow. And if you are suffering, at least the pain is familiar. Because if you took that leap of faith, went outside the box, did something unexpected… Who knows what other pain might be out there, waiting for you. Chances are it could be even worse. You’re like a monkey bar and I held on. It was fun at first just hanging there, feet far off the ground, but then I started to get blisters, and my hands they started to sweat, and I started to slip, but I continued to hold on, adjusting my hands to make them stay, but eventually I figured out that it really was time to let go.
And I have come to the conclusion that I simply can’t do anything anymore to reverse this damage. It’s all a big mess and nothing can be fixed. Because no matter what I do, no matter how I try to deal with this problem, no matter what it doesn’t work. Irreversible damage, I guess that’s what you could call it. It’s at the point where I don’t even know what is right and what is wrong, what’s the right thing to do and what isn’t. Irreversible mess. I’m sorry. Not even entirely sure whose fault this is. Mine, probably. And well I’m sorry. I’m sorry I got too close. I’m sorry that it has caused so much pain, tears, jealousy, fights. I never meant for any of this. I’m sorry for everything. But you need to understand that I know it’s just not easy, forgetting about someone who has become so close to your heart especially if you have something that binds you. And once again I am so sorry that it ever happened in the first place, but I can’t help it now. I feel that you can’t live without her, she’s one of the people you can’t be without, and I need you to see that. And I need you to see that every time you choose her over me even though you say that you love me, it hurts – and it makes me pathetic. I hope you understand. Keep your mouth shut when I’m drunk. I hate the person I become when you’re not around. I like me better when we talk it all over. If there was ever a time I needed you, it’s right now. I believe in a long-winded mind. Most nights I putter out like an over-worked, under oiled engine, staring at a quivering candle, consciousness fading, as I slowly float to sleep. My distorted reality paints a wonderfully deranged pattern. Doubt does strange things to people like us. We hold each other tighter now that the news is in. You’re learning to live alone in a home full of holes with two good reasons to find hope. One of these days I’ll unwind this watch, and live for you and you alone. I don’t know what I want to do with my life. I just know I want to do it. I want to see my world. I want to meet every single person breathing on this earth. I want to give everyone a hug or a handshake, and I want to make someone’s life a little easier. I want to be different than the people I know because that’s what makes us beautiful. I want to be absolutely ridiculous before I die. I don’t want regrets. I want to stand for something.
Because sometimes there is no easy way out. You just have to grin and bear it. Sometimes the only escape route is to go straight through the flames, just brace yourself and bite your lip. Sometimes you have to sever the ties clean off. Because in every relationship there comes a point when the damage is too much and no matter how good it once was, the memories can’t sustain you. You have to save yourself knowing all the while it will hurt like hell. Because you can’t keep giving someone everything if you get nothing in return. Maybe it’s time to be clear about who I am. I am someone who is looking for love, real love. Ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming, can’t live without each other love. It’s so hard to describe. It’s not like love at first sight, really. It’s more like… gravity moves. When you see her, suddenly it’s not the earth holding you here anymore. It’s her. And nothing matters more than her. And you would do anything for her, be anything for her… you would become whatever she needs you to be; whether that’s a protector, or a lover, or a friend, or even a brother.