i need to learn to stop beating myself over things i did in the past. those who love me have forgiven me and i guess i need to do the same as well. move on.
there is no such thing as secrets. only hidden truths. those that we try to bury beneath layers of overbearing shallow aesthetic spectacles. waiting – anticipating – to be uncovered. for something or someone special to share them with.they’re there. on top of an open palm of everyone.
you just have to prove that you’re just as special as these truths. for someone so guarded, you just have to be worth it. and in that open, unreserved moment when all have been by its naked self, you just have to be there.
no one ever stops wanting but they have to balance what is impossible with what might be possible and try to make sense of their hopes and reality. they haven’t got a lot of hope, it would be unfair if they did. but they do the best with what they have. i mean, we can’t plan everything. life makes its own plans. sometimes we let each down; sometimes we fail each other; sometimes we break each other’s hearts; sometimes we leave. and sometimes we come back and sometimes we stick around. or sometimes it’s okay, even if we don’t. things happen and they are hard, too hard. we just get through them. that we are able. clear eyes, full hearts.
clear eyes. full heart. can’t lose.
i stay quiet.
there’s nothing much to say.
i take mental pictures of people
inasmuch as my memory can muster
to hold, even in just a brief grasp of recognition
i linger in that stillness,
i feel more powerful, more in tune with myself.
i see people, i listen.
i don’t judge. i won’t judge.
even in after my next lifetime.
i see the reflections of things in people
things i don’t have the courage
to take out, to make myself step out of the box.
i feel safer just looking, just listening
.. just waiting
for someone to be bold
to make himself known
that inasmuch as I felt at ease
preying on other people’s nuances,
i am unalone,
holding up his part of the bargain,
doing the similar thing
i felt i was only doing.
I stand here with steady feet, at the point where land and sea meet. I have myself, and myself is complete. Alone, and I do not care, myself is enough to tolerate from here to there. Two feet, two hands, heart solitary. On two shoulders, are my own burdens to carry. I have no wish for my day to rain less, just that I might shed consciousness painlessly. Endlessly the land stretches beneath me, the sky fills my eyes perpetually. I am at peace with my being, but still need direction. Where I must go, must be a careful selection. Because one step is enough momentum to engrave my course, and from my path, I can never divorce. So I’m immovable, here at the point where land and sea meet. Too vacillant to step forward, too prideful to retreat.
There is no reason to stay anymore. Not when you’re starting to pretend that there is something to hold on to for much longer. Maybe it’s an unconscious effort that I was teaching myself to let go, and learn to open up to someone who has shown all efforts that he can care more than I can care about myself. I have to forgive myself wanting to be in a relationship that existed because I thought I was needed in as much as the context of the word care and love borders. But I was needed for a different reason.
I am as much in awe as people are on why I ever did fall for him. Looking back, everyday I wished that things will be different. But life has a way of hitting me on the head, letting me wake up to things that hurt me. The biggest person I had to battle was myself. And I hated it.
In spite of the endless versus-introspection, I am going to start being selfish by loving myself even more. And I’m learning this through people who do care about me as much as I care about them. I love love people who can make me smile and laugh. I’m opening up.