who i am after you.

where we are is bad timing. where we were seemed have been buried so deep into the soil that i almost don’t remember how it was. i keep looking for moments that were long gone. that we try so hard to rekindle. what i want is to be somewhere where we don’t have to pretend to be strangers until we’re alone.  where you don’t have to be in another room so you could take a call. where we’re allowed to do every stupid little thing without having to offend anyone or thinking of excuses.

i miss being able to publicly be us without this conscious fear of crossing boundaries. since everything, i don’t remember the last time i have allowed anyone to get close as you did. i have been scared ever since. i have muted all my emotions; tucked them deep inside – even to you nowadays – believing they’ll be safer with me. i miss being completely myself – to love freely and unconditionally.

it is. forever will be. bad timing. i feel hidden. and i don’t know why.  i lost who i was before you, when i was with you, and became a scatter of hesitation.

it’s unfair to get to be a part of your world. knowing that it is only temporary. that it is never going to last. and everyday my heart gets broken. that it never ceases to break. because of the thing that i did. because of the wish i could have have.

i am still searching for who i am after you.

huhumm.. :-/

Here you are

– hurting, waiting, wanting for something to change. You ask yourself about a hundred times, is it something you said? Maybe. And then you ask yourself a thousand more times, is it something you did? Possibly.

But in the end – yes. It’s always your fault, never ever his.

‘Cause you are settling with this mentality – it’s not you, it’s me. And you are willing to swallow your pride, than hurt his ego. And you choose not to break your silence, even though you know you are free to call him out on the bullshit he’s blatantly putting you through. But yet, you can’t find the courage in your heart and the wisdom in every fiber of your mind to simply – walk away. Why?

Here you are – this question must have crossed your mind more than a million times. ‘Cause for the seventh or eighth or maybe even the ninth time, you toss and turn in the middle of the dark night, in a dark silent room, listening to the rhythm of your own breath. You inhale, then exhale. You feel your heartbeat pulsating – in your wrist & on the tip of your fingers. Then the question once again arises in your mind that longs to rest. Why? Why can’t I let go?

Oftentimes we hold on to things that make us the happiest, give us the most bliss, things that makes our heart feel at ease. In contrary, the other times we hold on to things that does not always reciprocate us with something good. Gives us nothing but false hope and a cycle of reoccurring bullshit.

But even though that may be the standpoint, we continue believing one day, some day, somehow our patience, our willingness to endure and our days of hurting, of waiting, of wanting, we wake up to an end for all of those & a beginning of something better, something more.

And when that day comes, walking away and letting go would not once again cross our minds.

sole witness.

“Here. This is for you, just because”

Completely flustered and flushed in a pink tone of joy, due to the genuine act of kindness and love, you manage to mutter a short “awe, you shouldn’t have” through your trembling lips. These flowers now carry a whole new level of significance simply for the fact that it was from your lover. And so you nourish this token of love with the utmost fragility. You never forget to fill the vase with water and it has now become a beautiful center piece that ties your entire bedroom together like the final bow on any gift, completing the masterpiece.

Yet you find yourself spending most of your efforts struggling to keep these flowers alive because you couldn’t bare the thought of letting this token of love perish. What would it mean? That you failed what appears to be the easiest thing to handle? The idea pains you and you continue to fumble through the seconds that pass because you start to realize that it is inevitable. Everything dies.

Then you become the sole witness to such a beautiful death.

And this is the sad truth to all that lives.

cities of subselves

’ve seen way too much and wore my heart on my sleeve way too often to forget what it’s like to feel so fragile and impermanent. i’ve built cities from the depths of broken hearts only to watch as they burst into scintillating luster but i’m only human and humans try until they bleed or until life robs them of strength. i’m tired and my eyes are weak from the burning desire to see beyond the concrete truths. This is all that it’ll ever be, between you and i, me and the next, just like how it’s been with everyone else. i am that comfort, that change, that temporary escape; a distraction. i’ve accepted that a long time ago so I stopped hoping for things to be different. i’ll help you and i’ll hold your hands but when my time is up, i’ll be on my way again and i’m supposed to believe that it’s okay.

there is no looking back.

you asked me if i miss you. my reply is this, “i don’t miss you, i miss the guy who used to call me every night, just to see how my day was. who told me his deepest, darkest secrets, the only one i trusted mine with. the guy who knew how to say sorry, the one who stood up for me, and the one who kept my name safe in his mouth. the guy that was my best friend… that’s the guy i miss. how could i miss you? i don’t even know you.”

there is no looking back. there is no looking back. There is no looking back.

miguel.

i don’t want the world. i learned it the hard way. i wish i could go back. i am desperate to undo things. it’s too late to say things like love and need when i’ve been too much of a hypocrite to not care. i want you. and you alone can suffice this emptiness that i now feel. and you alone can heal my loneliness.

i don’t want the world darling. i am not one of those people i thought i was and i thought i will turn out to be. there’s this cosmic pull in the world that falls upon people who want everything: people who want everything will only end up with empty things. i used to be people of that kind. i now know that i can’t love the world. not for its entirety. my heart can recognize poetry, music and nature to love, and you entirely. and there i rest in contentment. you, for my world’s absoluteness, is more than enough.

i wanted to say happy birthday to you today. like those replays i had in my mind when i used to still dream of you. but all i have on my palm, are these regrets.

and im sorry. i realized that too late.