ellipsis.

If pain must come, may it come quickly. Because I have a life to live, and I need to live it in the best way possible. If he has to make a choice, may he make it now. Then I will either wait for him or forget him. Waiting is painful. Forgetting is painful. But not knowing which to do is the worst kind of suffering.

“By the River Piedra I Sat Down and Wept,” Paulo Coelho

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by myself

I am lonely. Alone. People related to me tend to overlook that part of me. I stay quiet. Wallow silently. Appear like I have a life worth going. Act like the daughter, granddaughter, or niece everyone expected me to be. It’s the scrutiny of being under everyone’s utopia that breaks me. And sometimes, a minute miscalculated choice can sometimes condemn me for the rest of my life. And they’ll make sure I don’t forget it. Every day of my life.

Sometimes, when I sit in a corner and watch how freely my siblings can take charge of their choices and do whatever they please, I am envious. I desire how unrestricted they are on things that  when I was younger I often got in trouble for and occasionally being reminded of it.

It’s hard accepting to wise up, act mature. It’s harder deciding to be responsible for other people other than myself. Owning something that you were unprepared for. Being drawn into a glass house and feeling like a stranger in the inside looking out. Losing what you want for what they want.

Somewhat a spotlight has been lit over my head and I interrogate myself. Why I have never taught myself to be selfish? Why I’ve always put what others’ want before I want? Why do I feel like I’m still failing everybody else’s expectations? Why I’m stalling the dreams I had when I was younger? Why I’m so much yet so chained to the worst circumstances?

And then I end up with no answers. Just this echoing song in my head to endure what is fact: just one more day it says and all will be okay. Sometimes it hurts. Sometimes it doesn’t. Then I live life all over again.

maybe

I was born to be stubborn, to be a little bit bitchy, to push people to push myself. I was taught to never take life for granted, to live a little, to love with everything I had, to never give up, to believe in myself, but most of all, to fight for myself.

The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen.

Take charge of your life. If you want something don’t sit back and wait for life to unfold and maybe, just MAYBE, life will give you what you want. If you aren’t fighting then you don’t want it bad enough.

a reason for living..

Life will break you. Nobody can protect you from that, and living alone won’t either, for solitude will also break you with its yearning. You have to love. You have to feel. It is the reason you are here on earth. You are here to risk your heart. You are here to be swallowed up. And when it happens that you are broken, or betrayed, or left, or hurt, or death brushes near, let yourself sit by an apple tree and listen to the apples falling all around you in heaps, wasting their sweetness. Tell yourself you tasted as many as you could.

— Louise Erdrich

all at once

Just so you know, there are days when I’m a complete and utter insecure, paranoid wreck. I think that no one can love me and I’m fearful for everything that I am pursuing in my life.

But then I realize:

But really, everything happens all at once. Every single moment that’s passed and the moments still to come are all happening right now, in this moment. You are young. You are old. You laugh. You cry. You smile. You win. You lose. You don’t care about either anymore. You love. You don’t. You love again. You hurt. You heal.

All at once.

There’s nothing and no one to miss because it’s all still happening. They’re still here. And it’ll all continue to happen, forever.