eenie minie moe

even when i’ve learned to live with insecurities, i still am afraid that i may, one day, be losing you. i, sometimes, wonder if i’m capable of meeting what you desire. i wish i was a little bit skinnier, sexier like i used to. perhaps, that would diminish the voices in my head.

sometimes, when we sleep, i hold you a little tighter. it’s my way of reassuring myself that you aren’t going anywhere. that when you say you’ll stay, you mean it. and not once, did you fall short of that promise.

everyday is a struggle between trusting myself to trust you. yet, you do not give any reason to doubt you. you fight through my insecurities. you love me even more when i do not have the courage to give. you’re open to only me taking even when it is unfair.

the reasons i love you are also the reasons you make me realize that i shouldn’t be embarrassed of myself. thank you my love, for choosing me.

hopefully to you

i am more settled now. of missing you even if we’ve just seen each other a few seconds. of wanting to hug you more even when i’ve just held you. of leaving you kisses even when when we’ve had hundreds. of loving you even more than what i am capable of.

you make every second that passes by worthwhile. tomorrows do not seem so dreary anymore because you make me look forward to being loved more. you make me secure in such sense that i do not need to worry about who i was or what i’ve done in my past. you make me a whole person because you’ve accepted my imperfections and made them seem so irrelevant. you’re more than who i asked for.

simply because…

you lead me back to a place where my heart is secure knowing that you’re the person i can love endlessly. and vice versa…

he’s my keeper

he’s a keeper. my heart. for all who i am now. he’s my keeper.

i don’t know what he did or how he did it. i didn’t know if i was capable of falling in love again. if i’ll be able to say those three words again. or if i’m able to trust someone with those words again.

he came at the right moment when i no longer need rescuing. when i was no longer the damsel in distress. when i was capable of at least standing on something more.

what i didn’t anticipate was falling in love – especially when i didn’t want to be. what i didn’t anticipate was that he turned out to be a keeper. what’s better is  that he’s my keeper. my heart. for all who i am now.

he makes forever shorter than what it actually means. he makes me look forward for what we will going to be. he makes me live in the present. he cares and loves the ones i love. i perfectly fit in with my imperfections because he reminds how beautiful they are, and accepted me for everything i am – however flawed i turned out to be. he’s worthy to keep. he’s my keeper, how fortunate could i ever be?

family

family are all the good people who collect spaces in your heart along your way. the one’s whose hearts collide with yours. family may last a lifetime, a season, or enter your life for a reason. whatever the outcome, never take for granted the one’s who made your soul shine a little brighter.

who i am after you.

where we are is bad timing. where we were seemed have been buried so deep into the soil that i almost don’t remember how it was. i keep looking for moments that were long gone. that we try so hard to rekindle. what i want is to be somewhere where we don’t have to pretend to be strangers until we’re alone.  where you don’t have to be in another room so you could take a call. where we’re allowed to do every stupid little thing without having to offend anyone or thinking of excuses.

i miss being able to publicly be us without this conscious fear of crossing boundaries. since everything, i don’t remember the last time i have allowed anyone to get close as you did. i have been scared ever since. i have muted all my emotions; tucked them deep inside – even to you nowadays – believing they’ll be safer with me. i miss being completely myself – to love freely and unconditionally.

it is. forever will be. bad timing. i feel hidden. and i don’t know why.  i lost who i was before you, when i was with you, and became a scatter of hesitation.

it’s unfair to get to be a part of your world. knowing that it is only temporary. that it is never going to last. and everyday my heart gets broken. that it never ceases to break. because of the thing that i did. because of the wish i could have have.

i am still searching for who i am after you.

sole witness.

“Here. This is for you, just because”

Completely flustered and flushed in a pink tone of joy, due to the genuine act of kindness and love, you manage to mutter a short “awe, you shouldn’t have” through your trembling lips. These flowers now carry a whole new level of significance simply for the fact that it was from your lover. And so you nourish this token of love with the utmost fragility. You never forget to fill the vase with water and it has now become a beautiful center piece that ties your entire bedroom together like the final bow on any gift, completing the masterpiece.

Yet you find yourself spending most of your efforts struggling to keep these flowers alive because you couldn’t bare the thought of letting this token of love perish. What would it mean? That you failed what appears to be the easiest thing to handle? The idea pains you and you continue to fumble through the seconds that pass because you start to realize that it is inevitable. Everything dies.

Then you become the sole witness to such a beautiful death.

And this is the sad truth to all that lives.

… lips sealed

maybe i’m still waiting for that one person who wants me enough and is bold enough to just do something about it. maybe i don’t want a patient person, or a quiet passive person, maybe i never did. i want to destroy all the lingering questions floating in the air because it becomes difficult to breathe when inhale nothing beyond unreasonable doubts. i’m naturally a hesitant person, regardless of what i feel or what i want so maybe that’s it. maybe i want someone who will stop trying to respect my fears and take me by surprise.

relate.failure

a relationship fails from the lies and the deceit and the betrayal and the hurt and the pain. there are no excuses, reasons, ways around it. both parties forget to recognize the effort, the trials, the fighting for one another. you forget that s/he has put up with all of your faults, your anger, your imperfections, your wishes, your ugly-parts-that-nobody-would-ever-accept. i never wanted to give up— in terms of on you. i never wanted to give up on you because i knew you in ways that you didn’t think i did. i knew your past, your secrets, your fears. you knew all of mine. we opened each other up and scrutinized and examined and took what we wanted and ran away with what only we needed. what you loved more than me hurt me constantly and instead of trying to make you change, i tried to adapt to them and in the process, lost myself and my morals, my priorities, my wants and needs. and in turn, i lost my way and didn’t consider how much it would affect you, took you for granted and thought you would always be my road map to finding myself over again and again. the moments of anguish, of frustration— all of the “why can’t you do this for me”s and “please.. at least try”s; i realize the one thing i hated most was the one thing you loved more. and i realized i allowed myself to put your happiness above my own instead of always telling you the truth.. but lying is never ever excused, either. and it sits here, in this room, it takes up so much space and i just watch it day to day wondering if life would have been better. if you would have ever put me above it. if i would have ever gotten better, with you if not, on my own. and i needed the space and time to think realistically.. if love wasn’t in the equation, what else was? if this was worth it.. what wasn’t? if i could allow myself to surrender to this.. when would i ever truly stand on my own two feet..