This is what I define you. You are. Will always be.

Tenho Saudades Tuas

Saudade [sɐ.uˈda.ðɨ]  is a Portuguese and Galician word for a feeling of nostalgic longing for something or someone that one was fond of and which is lost. It often carries a fatalist tone and a repressed knowledge that the object of longing might really never return.

It has hasbeen described as a “vague and constant desire for something that does not and probably cannot exist … a turning towards the past or towards the future”.

Saudade was once described as “the love that remains” or “the love that stays” after someone is gone. Saudade is the recollection of feelings, experiences, places or events that once brought excitement, pleasure, well-being, which now triggers the senses and makes one live again. It can be described as an emptiness, like someone that should be there in a particular moment is missing, and the individual feels this absence. In Portuguese, ‘Tenho Saudades Tuas’, translated as ‘I have Saudades of you’ means ‘I miss you’, but carries a stronger tone.

~ Wikipedia

i promise ill be better

a conversation last night:

I’m fine

no you’re not. Stop saying you’re fine. I know you’re lying. And you were never good at that.


exactly. Liar.

I’m better.

All the more reason I don’t want to believe you.


Look I’m not asking you to let me stay. Because I’m staying whether you like it or not. Stop pushing me away. I am staying. I’m not going anywhere.

I’m not.

You’re not you anymore. I hate you.

People change, I guess.


It’s true.

Stubborn idiot.

Look who’s talking.

Did i mention i hate him.

yep. i stopped counting after 10. haha .i’m okay. stop worrying.

I need you back. You’re lousy at lying. You’re lousy at pretending. You wear your heart on your sleeve. You smile like nothing’s happening to you but your eyes give away that sadness. I hate looking at you like that. I hate hearing you. Stop being broken.

I am responsible for my own loneliness.

What happened to the girl I knew before? You’re made of stronger stuff.


just be okay. i need you back. even if it means having to grab you by hair and yanking you out of that damn hole.

Ouch. Two times. I promise I’ll be better.

shut up.

I promise I’ll be better.

I miss you.

I miss you too

Why does it feel like he took you away from me and I can’t get you back?

It’s nothing. It’s just a temporary glitch. It’ll pass. Promise.


i miss you…

Although it hurts. I can’t help it.

I miss you so much.
I miss everything about you.
I miss your scent.
I miss the way you hold my thumb when we’re walking.
I miss the yelling at you.
I miss the way you smile, every single different smile you have.
I miss your uncanny ability to make me smile, too.
I miss your fingers, with all of the scars of breaks and bruises.
I miss the way you breathe when you’re sleeping in my nook.
I miss the way you wake me up after an amazing sleep with a smile on your face, and determination to get me up as well.
I miss the twinkle in your eyes.
I miss the way you lay on my lap when you feel like cuddling, and tell me you won’t fall asleep, and then instantly do.
I miss feeling like somebody.
I miss asking you to go to the beach at night  just to look at the stars.
I miss the look on your face when you think I’m being sexy. It’s not subtle, and you make sure everyone notices it.
I miss the squint in your eyes.
I miss the way you tell me that you “have a secret” and then take it back.
I miss trying to figure out what those farts would be saying if they were words.
I miss holding you all the time.
I miss kissing you all the time.

I miss you, Panda.. 😦

strange craving ..

Need to feel your skin against mine. Your fingers playing gently down my arms like a pianist perfecting the piano. Those were good times, times that were shared between friends. Everything was mutual; there was nothing good that could come from this, at least that’s what I allowed myself to believe. Touches that were ours. Undeniable attraction for what was wanted; We’ve craved each other’s company, those little pleasures that came from those meetings that we had were far from extraordinary. Your touches set my skin ablaze; Hard to shake off that feeling of wanting. But I want and crave more of it… touch me again.


how the stars fell from their place

You are still in the skies, with kisses to spare.  I feel your hand around mine when I am alone, reassuring as it once was.  The warmth isn’t gone; it just lives in my mind now.  My love for you is the deepest ocean and the brightest star.  It was the truest thing that I have ever discovered, and the measuring stick for all that comes after.  I still miss you, and I don’t expect that I will ever stop.  You were my perfect jigsaw piece; my immaculate dream.  When I held you, I never wanted to let go.  Minutes were years.  Hours became euphoria.  And your taste—that beautiful taste—brought life into dead eyes.  Sharing the good and the bad, pushing forward through the worst times, we clung to hope like the last piece of a sinking ship.  We floated amidst the wreckage, content to have each other.  Ours was the eye of the storm, a sanctuary when the world was at war.

I wish I could take back those times I looked past you, only wanting to dance in chemical arms.  You forgave me more times than I deserved.  And chipped though we were, our flaws  fit perfectly together.  To feel complete because you made me so was more than I ever thought I would experience.  I never saw your little shortcomings because they simply didn’t matter.  All I knew was that I felt whole with you.

The good was very good and the bad was so very bad.  Still, we always made it out alive.  I wasn’t expecting it to end so suddenly.  I thought we were invincible.  But death has no eyes, and it took you blindly.  For surely if it could have seen your beauty it would have left you here, my angel.  The hardest part to accept is why it chose you, and left me untouched.  You had a good heart, and mine had already turned to ash.  You saw beauty and hope in the world, while I saw only death and deceit.  I mourn you still, though years have brought me further from that day.

I dance with your memory now.  I sleep with it and hold it in my hand.  You are everything beautiful and everything abstract.  These things carry you on and keep you close to my heart.  I cherish our last touch.  And until we meet again, you remain safe in my dreams.