In life you have two loves: one who changes the way you see yourself and the world, and the other who puts you back together after you’ve lost the first.
how do you say stop? get lost? mind your own business? leave me alone?
the main reason why i created this blog in the first place was because i wanted to move on. yet i move back, sometimes with a blind optimism that things can get better if we could at least try one more time. but that trying, that believing that we had a chance, turned out to be mine alone.
when i am at lost for words while i’m drowning in emotions, i get to backread the posts which entirely screams him. and i hate that feeling of melancholy; that feeling of regret whereas i could’ve made it easier for myself when i could just made the decision to let go. it feels like i’ve chained myself and consciously lost the key – for whatever sense that would make.
i’ve been forewarned about being in this situation: this being destroyed by an individual who, ironically, i once allowed to take the biggest part of my life. i think this is what happens to people who stayed guarded their first few tries in relationships but then end up being broken after all. to the number of questions as to how it could end so badly, i just couldn’t provide any single answer. the questions nag on; they even linger even when i fall asleep. so much for being tagged as a smart girl and for a smart girl, i’m quite good at being stupid.
and being stupid means still entertaining the thought that maybe if i could’ve done this or that, things could’ve turned out for the better. it’s a screwed up thought especially when you’ve endured so much offense you have sworn never to make in replacement to your stronger sense of self. it’s ridiculously inappropriate at this point in time.
i wish there could be an easiest way to say stop and actually mean it. not like some traffic light which gives us how to lead our ways with options. just stop. the end ends here.
i stay quiet.
there’s nothing much to say.
i take mental pictures of people
inasmuch as my memory can muster
to hold, even in just a brief grasp of recognition
i linger in that stillness,
i feel more powerful, more in tune with myself.
i see people, i listen.
i don’t judge. i won’t judge.
even in after my next lifetime.
i see the reflections of things in people
things i don’t have the courage
to take out, to make myself step out of the box.
i feel safer just looking, just listening
.. just waiting
for someone to be bold
to make himself known
that inasmuch as I felt at ease
preying on other people’s nuances,
i am unalone,
holding up his part of the bargain,
doing the similar thing
i felt i was only doing.
I stand here with steady feet, at the point where land and sea meet. I have myself, and myself is complete. Alone, and I do not care, myself is enough to tolerate from here to there. Two feet, two hands, heart solitary. On two shoulders, are my own burdens to carry. I have no wish for my day to rain less, just that I might shed consciousness painlessly. Endlessly the land stretches beneath me, the sky fills my eyes perpetually. I am at peace with my being, but still need direction. Where I must go, must be a careful selection. Because one step is enough momentum to engrave my course, and from my path, I can never divorce. So I’m immovable, here at the point where land and sea meet. Too vacillant to step forward, too prideful to retreat.
Breathe. The world won’t stop at your beckoning – it twirls and turns until you become confused with the reorganization. Reboot. You’ve been kicked in the gut several times but life will still go on; you just have to move and deal with the outcome because try as you might to get even, chances are it will never remake what has been damaged. When things go awry – when things seem out of place – and you seem out of sync with your thoughts, breathe. Just breathe. We live in an eternal reality series that have no ending, only tweaked plots depending on how you want to play it, each of us reliving the same old cycle but in a different circumstance. Reboot. Everything is falling apart: your plans fail, your heart torn into a million pieces, and when the most practical solution is to just quit, breathe. Reboot. When everyone says that they want you to succeed but innately wishes you otherwise, breathe. People will judge you superficially. They can’t wait to cause hell. But just breathe.
In the end, you still go on. You’re still alive. Torn and defeated but nonetheless breathing. Show them that you’re breathing with a smirk on your face and let them have a piece of what they don’t expect. Just breathe.
You are not worth your looks. You are priceless. You are seeking perfection in the most inappropriate places. They are nothing. They’ll open more empty spaces.
You are not your thoughts. You can be more than what people want you to look. They only guarantee ignorance – shallow, mediocre and useless.
You are you. Stop going after what other people want you to want. Your life is not theirs, not his. It’s yours. Even if its going to hurt a lot of people, even if you can’t figure out an easier way to do things, achieve things for yourself. You reward yourself.
You are deserving. You are worth the time.
Stop seeking perfection. I love you. I’ll always love you. Because you’re you. Not a photoshopped image of you. Just you. It’s more than enough.