he’s my keeper

he’s a keeper. my heart. for all who i am now. he’s my keeper.

i don’t know what he did or how he did it. i didn’t know if i was capable of falling in love again. if i’ll be able to say those three words again. or if i’m able to trust someone with those words again.

he came at the right moment when i no longer need rescuing. when i was no longer the damsel in distress. when i was capable of at least standing on something more.

what i didn’t anticipate was falling in love – especially when i didn’t want to be. what i didn’t anticipate was that he turned out to be a keeper. what’s better is  that he’s my keeper. my heart. for all who i am now.

he makes forever shorter than what it actually means. he makes me look forward for what we will going to be. he makes me live in the present. he cares and loves the ones i love. i perfectly fit in with my imperfections because he reminds how beautiful they are, and accepted me for everything i am – however flawed i turned out to be. he’s worthy to keep. he’s my keeper, how fortunate could i ever be?

sole witness.

“Here. This is for you, just because”

Completely flustered and flushed in a pink tone of joy, due to the genuine act of kindness and love, you manage to mutter a short “awe, you shouldn’t have” through your trembling lips. These flowers now carry a whole new level of significance simply for the fact that it was from your lover. And so you nourish this token of love with the utmost fragility. You never forget to fill the vase with water and it has now become a beautiful center piece that ties your entire bedroom together like the final bow on any gift, completing the masterpiece.

Yet you find yourself spending most of your efforts struggling to keep these flowers alive because you couldn’t bare the thought of letting this token of love perish. What would it mean? That you failed what appears to be the easiest thing to handle? The idea pains you and you continue to fumble through the seconds that pass because you start to realize that it is inevitable. Everything dies.

Then you become the sole witness to such a beautiful death.

And this is the sad truth to all that lives.

today.

from  this day onward, my life will revolve around disproving what each of you have assumed about me. i’m happy it came out. i’m happy for all of you. this is just the right spice for me to wisen up.

ooohh, i so love the drama. too bad, i can’t give you my time. now, f*** off – all of you –  ok? ♥

RED.

how do you say stop? get lost? mind your own business? leave me alone?

the main reason why i created this blog in the first place was because i wanted to move on. yet i move back, sometimes with a blind optimism that things can get better if we could at least try one more time. but that trying, that believing that we had a chance, turned out to be mine alone.

when i am at lost for words while i’m drowning in emotions, i get to backread the posts which entirely screams him. and i hate that feeling of melancholy; that feeling of regret whereas i could’ve made it easier for myself when i could just made the decision to let go. it feels like i’ve chained myself and consciously lost the key – for whatever sense that would make.

i’ve been forewarned about being in this situation: this being destroyed by an individual who, ironically, i once allowed to take the biggest part of my life. i think this is what happens to people who stayed guarded their first few tries in relationships but then end up being broken after all. to the number of questions as to how it could end so badly, i just couldn’t provide any single answer. the questions nag on; they even linger even when i  fall asleep. so much for being tagged as a smart girl and for a smart girl, i’m quite good at being stupid.

and being stupid means still entertaining the thought that maybe if i could’ve done this or that, things could’ve turned out for the better. it’s a screwed up thought especially when you’ve endured so much offense you have sworn never to make in replacement to your stronger sense of self. it’s ridiculously inappropriate at this point in time.

i wish there could be an easiest way to say stop and actually mean it. not like some traffic light which gives us how to lead our ways with options. just stop. the end ends here.

“i own u… u own me”

They say that you should never regret what once made you happy. I don’t regret falling for you and even though I once spent countless nights trying to imagine an alternative outcome, I can honestly say, that I’m glad it turned out the way it did. Months ago, I would lose myself in insidiously wishing that for once, I could turn back time and change all that happened. But how could I? They weren’t my actions to alter. And as I used to care, I decided not to before I became bitter. It wasn’t right. In fact, it was disrespectful, juvenile, and unnecessary. You knew what I thought about cheating. Yet while it all went down, I never once crossed your mind. Not until after.

For me, I rather lose a boyfriend than have him cheat on me or than have him constantly remind me why we are where we are now. It’s very simple. I won’t hold it against you as long as you are honest and faithful to our relationship. If someone else is able to give you something that I cannot and you’d rather take that risk, by all means, do it. As a someone who agreed to love you, I prefer to see you happy and never stuck. Now that I have clarified my stance, I guess all that is left is to thank you. Because you taught me that regardless of what people say, their actions will either make or break their credibility. I learned this from your wrong-doings. So thank you.

thinkin’

I guess I still need to constantly remind myself that trying to reconnect with you is pointless. At least for now anyways. I don’t need you in my life, and everyone was right when they told me that time would heal everything.
I must admit that I sometimes wonder how you are, where you are, and who’s loving you now. But then I snap back into reality, and I remember that I shouldn’t keep returning to the past. I have a very bright future ahead of me, and it’ll shine just as brightly with you in it or not.

in a heartbeat.

i hate having you in the same position i hate you being in. you sit there while trying to hold my hand, trying to understand my complications even when i don’t deserve it. you offer your heart without conditions, taking a risk loving a broken me. i try so hard to close my eyes, willing myself to realize you’re better for me in as much as people see you are a good guy, and i realize how much i’m pretending to want something i am unable to love — for now.

blagh!

From our last conversation, I regret sending him the message that might have insulted him to which he asked a question I’ve chosen to better leave unanswered rather than respond with something triggered by my yet unsubdued resentment towards him. I realized that remaining silent will pacify everything and decrease the growing anger that was threatening to make me fall apart (and I’ve gone past this stage).

I didn’t mean the words to be articulated the way they did. But being hurt hurts and when I’m forced to deal with it, the outcome is more damaging than it already was. For someone with whom you share an intense feeling, anger is more elevated which overshadows the love that binds you together. This is how insane our relationship is. Being hurt changes the dynamics, making it worse.

Sometimes we talk about how people see him as a failure, how when everything doesn’t go well as he planned or hoped for. I know the feeling too well enough to not care about people’s thoughts. And even in my knowing, it doesn’t lessen being hurt for him and care about him. Because I know that he has beautiful plans and that he is capable of making them.

When some people prefer to easily hate him for failing and then celebrating it with i-told-you-so’s, I sit behind the crowd cheering him on and admire his courage to stick around even when everything falls apart. It’s a silent encouragement just to show I’ll always be there for him especially in down times. It’s such a pleasure to see when he stands up with a smile on his face. Even more when I see people wonder why he’s still smiling. I have come to realize that I will never hate him for failing. I love him more for trying.

He thinks it’s easy to move on, advising me to look for someone so forgetting can be much easier. Delivering an utterly crappy excuse that I deserve more than we have now, someone better. I know I deserve much better. I recognize the fact that I was in a much more secured relationships  than what we have. But I am not a smart girl, I do not need to wise up. I act on what I feel and the reason why I stayed for this long is because I felt I didn’t want more than him but more of him, more from him.

goodbye hello

I keep wishing that he’ll have more room to spare to acknowledge the relationship every time he asks for another chance. I keep looking for the person that he was, for the person he promises to be, but I keep failing myself.

We’ve had to say goodbye one too many times more than we have liked but somehow something draws us back together. And no matter how many times we have to say it and do it even if its for a greater good, it still stings – every time. And every time it happens, I always hope it lasts til there’s no more to look forward to.

It isn’t easy being with someone who says words that calms you and then take it all back. It isn’t reassuring to be in a relationship where you feel left out when you have thought you have a fresh start.  It isn’t comforting to have to be the one in the relationship to involuntary understand why he forgets some things you need to abate the insecurities.

Oddly enough, I realized that either one of us doesn’t want to let go.  It’s either one of us simply push things aside and leave it for later – hoping that one has found the courage to walk away and not look back. And when later turns to now, the same cycle starts and someone ends hurting all over again.

I long for the spaces in between what we have now and what we had before. Back to when little changes drew us together rather than made us further apart. Right now, I hate missing the person I was very deeply connected with.

This long silence may have its place now in between us. Until one of us learn not to say hello again. I’ll go on with my life, but not without a loneliness that’s too heartbreaking to define.

it is what it is…

It is what it is. For the hardest relationship, this was an immediate answer to the nagging question if it’s really over (after a numerous string of break ups and make ups). Here lies the simplicity of yielding to what has been opposed to. It was something – an absolute surrender to a love spell. It is, now, some thing – a past that taught me how to realize value and self-worth.

Sometimes we become more of ourselves after being drained. It takes losing someone completely to figure out what they really mean to you. And it takes letting go of someone to understand what you really mean to other people – those who appreciate more of you in spite of your flaws.

It is what it was. Little regrets. Just little regrets.