he’s my keeper

he’s a keeper. my heart. for all who i am now. he’s my keeper.

i don’t know what he did or how he did it. i didn’t know if i was capable of falling in love again. if i’ll be able to say those three words again. or if i’m able to trust someone with those words again.

he came at the right moment when i no longer need rescuing. when i was no longer the damsel in distress. when i was capable of at least standing on something more.

what i didn’t anticipate was falling in love – especially when i didn’t want to be. what i didn’t anticipate was that he turned out to be a keeper. what’s better is  that he’s my keeper. my heart. for all who i am now.

he makes forever shorter than what it actually means. he makes me look forward for what we will going to be. he makes me live in the present. he cares and loves the ones i love. i perfectly fit in with my imperfections because he reminds how beautiful they are, and accepted me for everything i am – however flawed i turned out to be. he’s worthy to keep. he’s my keeper, how fortunate could i ever be?

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sole witness.

“Here. This is for you, just because”

Completely flustered and flushed in a pink tone of joy, due to the genuine act of kindness and love, you manage to mutter a short “awe, you shouldn’t have” through your trembling lips. These flowers now carry a whole new level of significance simply for the fact that it was from your lover. And so you nourish this token of love with the utmost fragility. You never forget to fill the vase with water and it has now become a beautiful center piece that ties your entire bedroom together like the final bow on any gift, completing the masterpiece.

Yet you find yourself spending most of your efforts struggling to keep these flowers alive because you couldn’t bare the thought of letting this token of love perish. What would it mean? That you failed what appears to be the easiest thing to handle? The idea pains you and you continue to fumble through the seconds that pass because you start to realize that it is inevitable. Everything dies.

Then you become the sole witness to such a beautiful death.

And this is the sad truth to all that lives.

today.

from  this day onward, my life will revolve around disproving what each of you have assumed about me. i’m happy it came out. i’m happy for all of you. this is just the right spice for me to wisen up.

ooohh, i so love the drama. too bad, i can’t give you my time. now, f*** off – all of you –  ok? ♥

RED.

how do you say stop? get lost? mind your own business? leave me alone?

the main reason why i created this blog in the first place was because i wanted to move on. yet i move back, sometimes with a blind optimism that things can get better if we could at least try one more time. but that trying, that believing that we had a chance, turned out to be mine alone.

when i am at lost for words while i’m drowning in emotions, i get to backread the posts which entirely screams him. and i hate that feeling of melancholy; that feeling of regret whereas i could’ve made it easier for myself when i could just made the decision to let go. it feels like i’ve chained myself and consciously lost the key – for whatever sense that would make.

i’ve been forewarned about being in this situation: this being destroyed by an individual who, ironically, i once allowed to take the biggest part of my life. i think this is what happens to people who stayed guarded their first few tries in relationships but then end up being broken after all. to the number of questions as to how it could end so badly, i just couldn’t provide any single answer. the questions nag on; they even linger even when i  fall asleep. so much for being tagged as a smart girl and for a smart girl, i’m quite good at being stupid.

and being stupid means still entertaining the thought that maybe if i could’ve done this or that, things could’ve turned out for the better. it’s a screwed up thought especially when you’ve endured so much offense you have sworn never to make in replacement to your stronger sense of self. it’s ridiculously inappropriate at this point in time.

i wish there could be an easiest way to say stop and actually mean it. not like some traffic light which gives us how to lead our ways with options. just stop. the end ends here.

“i own u… u own me”

They say that you should never regret what once made you happy. I don’t regret falling for you and even though I once spent countless nights trying to imagine an alternative outcome, I can honestly say, that I’m glad it turned out the way it did. Months ago, I would lose myself in insidiously wishing that for once, I could turn back time and change all that happened. But how could I? They weren’t my actions to alter. And as I used to care, I decided not to before I became bitter. It wasn’t right. In fact, it was disrespectful, juvenile, and unnecessary. You knew what I thought about cheating. Yet while it all went down, I never once crossed your mind. Not until after.

For me, I rather lose a boyfriend than have him cheat on me or than have him constantly remind me why we are where we are now. It’s very simple. I won’t hold it against you as long as you are honest and faithful to our relationship. If someone else is able to give you something that I cannot and you’d rather take that risk, by all means, do it. As a someone who agreed to love you, I prefer to see you happy and never stuck. Now that I have clarified my stance, I guess all that is left is to thank you. Because you taught me that regardless of what people say, their actions will either make or break their credibility. I learned this from your wrong-doings. So thank you.