it is heartbreaking. this one last conversation we had. after everything. i doubt that you cared at all. i doubt that you can comprehend what i went through. i doubt everything you said.
what do you expect to get from someone you have lied to constantly yet loved you back unconditionally? what do you expect to get from someone who has lost the one thing she wish she’ll have in her lifetime?
how do you say stop? get lost? mind your own business? leave me alone?
the main reason why i created this blog in the first place was because i wanted to move on. yet i move back, sometimes with a blind optimism that things can get better if we could at least try one more time. but that trying, that believing that we had a chance, turned out to be mine alone.
when i am at lost for words while i’m drowning in emotions, i get to backread the posts which entirely screams him. and i hate that feeling of melancholy; that feeling of regret whereas i could’ve made it easier for myself when i could just made the decision to let go. it feels like i’ve chained myself and consciously lost the key – for whatever sense that would make.
i’ve been forewarned about being in this situation: this being destroyed by an individual who, ironically, i once allowed to take the biggest part of my life. i think this is what happens to people who stayed guarded their first few tries in relationships but then end up being broken after all. to the number of questions as to how it could end so badly, i just couldn’t provide any single answer. the questions nag on; they even linger even when i fall asleep. so much for being tagged as a smart girl and for a smart girl, i’m quite good at being stupid.
and being stupid means still entertaining the thought that maybe if i could’ve done this or that, things could’ve turned out for the better. it’s a screwed up thought especially when you’ve endured so much offense you have sworn never to make in replacement to your stronger sense of self. it’s ridiculously inappropriate at this point in time.
i wish there could be an easiest way to say stop and actually mean it. not like some traffic light which gives us how to lead our ways with options. just stop. the end ends here.
It’s a shame, the two hearts can be so attached, but they can’t be together.
I watch people sometimes, wonder how they can walk around with the weight of what they know. Wonder if they feel like me, stumbling with lead shoes on the bottom of the ocean, swimming in a sea of the unsay-able. It’s a mistake we make, thinking it’s words that tell us everything. It’s the sound that breaks glasses, cracks windows, sends cats up trees. Maybe we’re just not getting it, standing here listening for sensible speech, dying of loneliness and waiting for whatever it is. How do we know we’re not calling and calling all the time, our throats so tight with it, that it’s too high to hear?
He’s not the same anymore. He changed. Or maybe the feeling changed. Or maybe I never knew him after all. Or I got tired of the pretensions, of his lies.? I don’t know. I’m confused if he’s still trying to play me or because I’m just his willing prey? Or am I still the doe-eyed-fairytale believer I refuse to grow out of?
I am afraid of him now. Of the feelings that were once there, those that were often disregarded. I love him. But I’m afraid to exhaust this complexity into further more than I am willing to endure. Because I’ve gone there and I hated it. And I’m still trapped there. The wounds are fresh, left open because I still don’t know how to fix them.
I guess apathy may well be the best solution to this strangeness. Just like what he’s doing. I don’t want to jump in anymore knowing I’m going to come out cold and unloved. I wish I could be as detached as he is. But that has always been our difference. Because I believed in generosity. Because this was this first time I’ve allowed to give more freely than what he deserved. Because I believed. Because that may teach me to stick to a conviction to love, to believe no matter what, to be the one to not leave. Look what that has put into. And now, it turned out it’s not easy being the person who’s left behind. I think he made sure of it, pushing me to retreat. To be that coward once more. Making the others after him the same old faces that will hurt me in the end.
But that doesn’t change the fact that I miss the girl who loved him, who believed in him. Confidently.
I’m mourning for both the strangers I once knew. But I love him still. Strangely.
Let me carry you back to
Where love awaits to understand you
in the hopes of saving you from your paralyzed truth
that bound you to this near-destruction of your humane existence
Heed not the warning of a loving heart
that cares for the resolution of your self-worth, your unaccountable worth
Know that I will love you with your flaws
Know that I will love you more than you’re able to love yourself
When the world would conspire to clip the wings that carry your ideals
I’ll be there to nurse them until they heal
Until the world comes to your understanding
that you have the power to become a part
of the whole that rejects your perspicacity
Not necessarily through your ideals
but through your intention to do well for others
In the meantime, I’ll be the absorbent of your thoughts
your audience for the conveyance of your wisdom,
the vessel to echo your conviction
Soon enough, time will only be a fragment of an obsolete space
Everyone will eventually accept you
and your voice will have their eternal truth.
This is how things have been lately. I walk quickly so that there’s no time to even catch a glimpse of you, though I know you’re not around. I keep my eyes on the leaves overhead because I don’t know what I’ll do when I see you again. You gave things new colors while hiding your own.
And now I jump from post to post, staying as far away from you as I can while keeping you in sight. I don’t know if things are getting better.