there’s a second chance for everything. at least for us anyway. although this may be the nth time we’ve decided to give it a try one more time. maybe the few years of separation and slowly learning to make our way around life did made us better not only for ourselves but for each other as well. it still feels like we’re coming around re-discovering each other.
you asked me if i still write. i am. only this time, you inspire me in the quirkiest way possible. you should know that you’ve given me some spark to write something other than the sadness i occasionally feel.
you make it less lonely. even when you’re away. even when i only see you at certain weeks in a year. this distance that we have now between us feels like it doesn’t make us grow apart anymore. it only makes us want to learn more about each other. and i take refuge in that.
there’s quietness now. or there is a significant change in how we can be comfortably settled with each other. i can lounge around in casual shirts in cold weather and still feel warm because there’s now you.
the ache for getting you back still lives. i mourn each day. i cry each day. even if i’m not supposed to at this point in time. you have left a remarkable emptiness in my heart and i don’t know how i am going to fill it up with the life i once had.
i now know that you were the life i was looking forward to. yet i still managed to turn my back on. i need you now. badly. i want what happiness feels like with even the mere sight of you.
and i still hold on to memories that will never happen.
i don’t want the world. i learned it the hard way. i wish i could go back. i am desperate to undo things. it’s too late to say things like love and need when i’ve been too much of a hypocrite to not care. i want you. and you alone can suffice this emptiness that i now feel. and you alone can heal my loneliness.
i don’t want the world darling. i am not one of those people i thought i was and i thought i will turn out to be. there’s this cosmic pull in the world that falls upon people who want everything: people who want everything will only end up with empty things. i used to be people of that kind. i now know that i can’t love the world. not for its entirety. my heart can recognize poetry, music and nature to love, and you entirely. and there i rest in contentment. you, for my world’s absoluteness, is more than enough.
i wanted to say happy birthday to you today. like those replays i had in my mind when i used to still dream of you. but all i have on my palm, are these regrets.
and im sorry. i realized that too late.
i stay quiet.
there’s nothing much to say.
i take mental pictures of people
inasmuch as my memory can muster
to hold, even in just a brief grasp of recognition
i linger in that stillness,
i feel more powerful, more in tune with myself.
i see people, i listen.
i don’t judge. i won’t judge.
even in after my next lifetime.
i see the reflections of things in people
things i don’t have the courage
to take out, to make myself step out of the box.
i feel safer just looking, just listening
.. just waiting
for someone to be bold
to make himself known
that inasmuch as I felt at ease
preying on other people’s nuances,
i am unalone,
holding up his part of the bargain,
doing the similar thing
i felt i was only doing.
My heart silently goes out to the individuals that always go through those brutal times. The ones where they don’t know where to go next and who to turn to. The ones whose hearts have been under constant strain and hurt. The ones that always have the will to keep on going toward a new day, even if there’s nothing left for them when they get there. It’s when I think about those people, that I begin to realize how blessed I am and how thankful I should be. I’m learning to be a better person, so does that count as any consolation for the way I’ve acted in the past?.. I guess not.
Sometimes you love, and you learn, and you move on. And that’s okay.
I stand here with steady feet, at the point where land and sea meet. I have myself, and myself is complete. Alone, and I do not care, myself is enough to tolerate from here to there. Two feet, two hands, heart solitary. On two shoulders, are my own burdens to carry. I have no wish for my day to rain less, just that I might shed consciousness painlessly. Endlessly the land stretches beneath me, the sky fills my eyes perpetually. I am at peace with my being, but still need direction. Where I must go, must be a careful selection. Because one step is enough momentum to engrave my course, and from my path, I can never divorce. So I’m immovable, here at the point where land and sea meet. Too vacillant to step forward, too prideful to retreat.
Breathe. The world won’t stop at your beckoning – it twirls and turns until you become confused with the reorganization. Reboot. You’ve been kicked in the gut several times but life will still go on; you just have to move and deal with the outcome because try as you might to get even, chances are it will never remake what has been damaged. When things go awry – when things seem out of place – and you seem out of sync with your thoughts, breathe. Just breathe. We live in an eternal reality series that have no ending, only tweaked plots depending on how you want to play it, each of us reliving the same old cycle but in a different circumstance. Reboot. Everything is falling apart: your plans fail, your heart torn into a million pieces, and when the most practical solution is to just quit, breathe. Reboot. When everyone says that they want you to succeed but innately wishes you otherwise, breathe. People will judge you superficially. They can’t wait to cause hell. But just breathe.
In the end, you still go on. You’re still alive. Torn and defeated but nonetheless breathing. Show them that you’re breathing with a smirk on your face and let them have a piece of what they don’t expect. Just breathe.