eenie minie moe

even when i’ve learned to live with insecurities, i still am afraid that i may, one day, be losing you. i, sometimes, wonder if i’m capable of meeting what you desire. i wish i was a little bit skinnier, sexier like i used to. perhaps, that would diminish the voices in my head.

sometimes, when we sleep, i hold you a little tighter. it’s my way of reassuring myself that you aren’t going anywhere. that when you say you’ll stay, you mean it. and not once, did you fall short of that promise.

everyday is a struggle between trusting myself to trust you. yet, you do not give any reason to doubt you. you fight through my insecurities. you love me even more when i do not have the courage to give. you’re open to only me taking even when it is unfair.

the reasons i love you are also the reasons you make me realize that i shouldn’t be embarrassed of myself. thank you my love, for choosing me.

dear son,

i probably don’t deserve the life you have graciously given up for me.  or i’ve chosen to selfishly take back. i’m forever wounded, you must know that. i walk around feeling completely unable to steer clear of the past everyone has asked me never to look back at. how could i not? it was a minute greed that overpowered everything else; it never opted to leave a piece of me or you.

sometimes, when i think i’ve moved on, i feel like i’m repeating the betrayal. i took what should’ve been yours. you were probably the mistake that i was willing to live with but was too afraid to keep. and i can’t, for the life of me, be someone else without you.

the date we cross out

© Mike Baird

single. not looking. not even mingling. shoot down anyone who expressed romance. two years. two years of making that vow. two years of taking that vow back.

and i love you for reminding how easy to hold hands with someone again. of counting perfectly-fitted fingers in between mine. of how each hand would gesture that i am loved and i have someone to love in return. of how those hand would push me to be stronger. of how they wiped every frustration i had. those same hands that have kept me sane even when everything is becoming out of focus.

i love you. two years. even when we don’t have an official date. every single day would be a celebration of our relationship.

i don’t need monthsaries or anniversaries. all i need is right here. you. and i don’t need a calendar to prove just that.

hearsay.

sometimes it’s very frustrating to know that origin of the problem started with the person who we have presumed to lead by example.  it’s really hard to understand that the day you realized and understood what it was, it already is too late. how do we undo what we practice ourselves?

Aside

i feel so blessed this year. there are so many things i am thankful. love is in abundance. faith is unrelentless. i’ve been sane for most part of the year. sanity in a sense that i am able to stay in one place; never trying to escape. faith in the words i have trouble speaking. there’s a lot to be thankful. even the tears. even the frustrations.

Quote

if things don’t look right, change your perspective

21.08.13: Short break at the water © Wang Wang 22

The truth is that the more intimately you know someone, the more clearly you’ll see their flaws. That’s just the way it is. This is why marriages fail, why children are abandoned, why friendships don’t last. You might think you love someone until you see the way they act when they’re out of money or under pressure or hungry, for goodness’ sake. Love is something different. Love is choosing to serve someone and be with someone in spite of their filthy heart. Love is patient and kind, love is deliberate. Love is hard. Love is pain and sacrifice, it’s seeing the darkness in another person and defying the impulse to jump ship.

~ reposted from Melissa Polinar’s page

Don’t go far off, not even for a day

Android © Hengki Koentjoro

Don’t go far off, not even for a day, because —
because — I don’t know how to say it: a day is long
and I will be waiting for you, as in an empty station
when the trains are parked off somewhere else, asleep.

Don’t leave me, even for an hour, because
then the little drops of anguish will all run together,
the smoke that roams looking for a home will drift
into me, choking my lost heart.

Oh, may your silhouette never dissolve on the beach;
may your eyelids never flutter into the empty distance.
Don’t leave me for a second, my dearest,

because in that moment you’ll have gone so far
I’ll wander mazily over all the earth, asking,
Will you come back? Will you leave me here, dying?

~  Pablo Neruda